


88 keys.

by Swimmergirl_01



Category: Phandom
Genre: AU, Boarding School, Chaptered, Long, M/M, Music, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-06-02 20:15:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6580669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swimmergirl_01/pseuds/Swimmergirl_01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>description: After years of saving up the money and asking his parents, Dan Howell finally has a chance to attend a boarding school for musical arts. The one he dreamed of for years. But the experience is a lot different than he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The first steps are the hardest.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first story on A03 !!! I hope you like it because i spend a lot of time on this chapter. 
> 
> Disclaimer: this is the work of fiction. I don't own Dan Howell or Phil Lester. Also, english is not my first language. SO if you consider being my beta please message me about it, i would love one right now. 
> 
> See you in the next chapter !!!

 Dan’s fingers played the last accords. Quick after that the song ended on a long note. He didn’t dare to move, keeping his fingers on the keys, gazing at them. Suddenly hundred and one questions began to enter his head. Was it good? Did he forget any notes or accords or was the rhythm too long? Too fast? A little beeping noise behind him shook him out of the thoughts.

 The boy turned his head around to look past his shoulder as saw his mother sitting cross-legged behind a camera. She matched his stressed out look, as her eyebrows knitted together and cheeks filled with air. But the beeping sound meant that the camera has been turned off, and now he has time to relax.

“How bad was it?” was the first thing Dan asked, and quite the typical thing he could’ve asked. His mother looked at him, took two deep breaths, and then said:

“I think you mean how brilliant it was. If so, i would answer you that it was fantastic.” she gave him a toothy smile.

 It wasn’t the last time he played of course. They tried again five times, and after a short wee break two times more. Which is eight times in total. It would be almost nine, but then the front door opened interrupting their session. It was of course Dan’s father. Always forgetting to knock. “People don’t knock when they come into their own house, Daniel.” he explained when Dan started complaining.

“Don’t worry honey, we have enough takes to pick from. And my back is dying!” Dan turned in his seat and watched as his mother unscrewed the camera from the tripod, opening up the lid to check if all their work was saved. Luckily, it was.

 Somehow, the dinner was forgotten when all three of them sat by the computer, email software opened and the video pasted. Now all they had to do is fill all the information below and click on the send button. Dan’s heart pounded unbelievably. It may also hammer it’s way out of his chest onto the keyboard making it all bloody and gross but that’s not a good thing to be thinking about right now. Dan’s father smiled when a little notification showed up at the top of the screen. The email was send. Three of them let out a breath they’ve been holding for quite a long time.

“What about a celebratory lasagna?” the dad suggested before two pair of eyes looked at him from the side. He should’ve know that both his son and his wife hate lasagna.

“I’m more in for Chinese food.” Dan answered. Soon Dan’s dad was calling the Chinese takeout as they all sat in front of the tv.

 

 And so months later, in late May, Dan was almost shocked to not receive any letter or email from school. He found himself unfocused in school (or rather in the living room, as he was homeschooled). He wanted the answer to be quick. A yes or a no, it doesn’t matter anymore. The anticipation is to much to bear. He found comfort in the part of the house that normally should be an attic, it was his bedroom. Things like this happen when you are the first, unexpected child.

 He laid on his bed and listened. Usually it was Yiruma, or Ludovico Einaudi, or any other pianist that he had saved up on his Ipod. But sometimes he took his dad’s plates and played the nineties punk rock music, studying the lyrics and baseline and the drums. Of course drums were his favourite. He could only focus on the various patterns of multiple drums being hit at once.

 

 Piano and drums may be two completely different instruments. Almost never played in the same group. And somehow those were Dan’s favourite instruments. Maybe, in the future he will make himself play the drums. But now, the shiny instrument in the corner of his room is the only thing he needs to focus on.

The last day of May, after his lessons he took the vinyl player from his parent’s room, picked two vinyls (Joy Division and The Cure) and carefully placed one of the records on the platter. He was double careful to not touch the grooves of the plate before he positioned the needle on the beginning of the song. The song started with a soft sound of the hi-hat and when Dan was sure the record was actually playing he flopped down on his bed.

 He could be doing anything at this moment. He could’ve been doing his homework. Or writing a piece that he’s been working on for months, or maybe taking a nap. If he had a phone he could play on one of those apps or message the friends that he sadly didn’t own.But his parent’s were strictly against any electronics in his own room, so he ended up with a vinyl player. And now you can see that Dan was a complete opposite of how a young teenager should be, of how people think teenager should be.

 Six in the afternoon rolled around and Dan’s parents came back home from their jobs. Dan decided to go greet them downstairs. But when he skipped down the stairs his parents stood a meter away from the door, with their coats still on, examining a letter in their hands. Dan was confused at first, before he saw the text on the ripped open envelope just beneath their feet. It’s from the academy of musical arts. Suddenly he was excited, jumping up to see if he was accepted or not. But then he waited. It’s better if his parents told him first, it isn’t that disappointing otherwise. The twinkle in his mother’s eyes said everything. In just a moment they were cheering and jumping and hugging because finally, some things are in Dan’s favour.

 He never told his parent’s this but he’s happy that for the first time he will be free. It’s a caged bird effect. Dan’s taken care off, he gets everything he want’s and more. But still... he's locked up in a house without real friends or adventures. At school days won’t be as boring. He might meet new people and live new adventures and he will have to take care of himself. In two months he will wake up in a different bed, look out the window to see a different view and talk every day to different people. The bird is ready to take off... or he think’s he is.

 

-

 

 In the blink of an eye Dan saw himself in the car. He’s now two months older but not much changed in him. Tracks were listened and new clothes were bought and the piano was played. The summer is in the past, slowly blending in with chilly autumn, as the leaves start turning yellow and birds form themselves into groups to take off and go to warmer places. Dan sits in the back seat with his knees hugging his chest. At the same time he’s watching the scenery go by. They left the city, now they’re driving somewhere in the mouldy roads and in between high trees. His dad is starting to get mad, he had no idea where the fuck his GPS is leading him to. Eventually you can see the tops of high buildings made of brick with a weather mane at the top in a form of a dragon. Dan’s impressed that he can see a thing from such a distance.They aren’t the only car that pulled in on the green field a few meters away from school. But the most people probably came with the bus that was parked a little bit further.

 The school was located in practically the middle of a forest. A big opening guarded by trees and a small river. Three buildings. Girl dorms, boy dorms and the school itself. The buildings looked like victorian college. Red bricks and flags. Reds, yellows and greens. Lots and lots of greens. Dan’s mouth went agape when he first crawled out of the car. His heart picked up speed and lungs couldn’t keep up with the breathing pattern. His first thought was that he doesn’t fit in. Expensive cars parked at the same field as their 00’s Volkswagen. The kids strolling around with designer clothes (for the first day, the next day everyone’s wearing uniforms). Many kids carried their instruments with them, there was even a kid trying to drag a double bass on his back. Dan’s a few years to late, which means he will be in a class with kids that already know each other. He promised his parents that it won’t be a problem... but now he’s doubting his words.

 He looked past his shoulder at his father, taking the suitcase out of trunk of the car. They asked him if he wanted some help with unpacking at the dorm room, but he assured them he’s not a little kid anymore and will take care if it himself. So, as he promised took the handle of the suitcase himself.

“Please, promise me you will do well. First days will be a nightmare...but don’t give up.” the mom whispered in her son’s ear while hugging the air out of his lungs (as if he wasn’t breathless enough). His father said something along the lines of ‘i love you, everything will be alright, have fun’ and such. But the words of his mother stuck in his head the most.

 

_‘first days will be a nightmare.’_

 

 Not really knowing how a real school works, he straightly walked to the one building where most of the boys were walking to with their suitcases. Unfortunately at the entrance he already made a fool of himself. A man with greying hair and a pair of thickly rimmed glasses stopped him. He wore a grey vest and a pair of suiting grey pants, just above the pocket on his chest there was a name tag. ‘Mr.Foreman’... so he was a teacher. Well, he was kind of the stereotype, smelling like no-milk coffee and cheap cigarettes.

“You are new here?” The man asked annoyed. Dan only nodded his head, not daring to hold an eye contact with the man for more than five and a half seconds. The man snorted.

“You need to go to the school’s office first boy, to get your schedule and locker number.” he explained. Dan nodded quickly before turning around. Then he realised he has no idea where the school’s office is, so he turned back . It seemed like the teacher guessed boy’s next question because he already answered: “The office is on the left from the entrance.”

 

Dan nodded and offered the man a smile, before turning away. It was difficult to drag the suitcase with his on the grass, as the wheels got stuck between everything. But 10 minutes later he was opening school’s front door. The warmth welcomed him, and the smell like his father’s library came into his nostrils. The school had this cold look even in the entrance. Basically everything was made of brick, apart from the floor that was polished wood completely destroyed by hundreds of teenagers walking here day and night. The walls of the hallway were decorated with glass cabinets, shining cups and medals could blinded his brown eyes. Multiple photographs, new and old displayed there, probably untouched for so many years. Faces he never saw, were named the best of the best and Dan couldn’t quite believe that he never did more research on it. There were literally so many people, just in the income hall. So many talented people. In front of him was another pair of doors, now made out of glass that he had to push through just to arrive at the school’s office. He couldn’t really tell if it was the place he was looking for or not. he just knew that there were may to many students queueing that it had to be it.

 He walked slowly to the very end, in that time five more students pushing in front of him. Most of them young, probably the year 7 that have their first day at school. Dan had decided to go to a private school at a quite old age, fifteen. The school’s info said that there is no problem with anyone coming here who is quite older. But if you are you need to be good educated in music and of course get in through the audition and you’re in. Dan had no problem with it as his mom was the private piano teacher and made sure to learn Dan everything from the treble clef to five pages of sheet music that Dan had to memorise in a week.

 And even that (and the big excitement that finally he’s the free bird) made him still want to crawl inside his own skin and sink into the wooden floor, hoping that a crater will just pop up under him and he could freely jump into the pool of lava. Some kids were now staring at him, their posh accent could be heard from the mountain tops. They didn’t even laugh, they just whispered and stared. ‘Just look up’ Dan thought. Those are some little kids anyways.

 It took twenty minutes and a lot of stares, even one question from that little chubby kid with puffy red cheeks asking if he’s their new substitute teacher learning them how to play a fagot. Of course, Dan knew exactly what the kid meant when friends behind him started to laugh. He just shoot them a quick smile and looked up again. His hands started to tremble, but he hid them by tugging the sleeves like paws. The lady at the office was surprisingly lovely. She wore a full on suit (when every other woman wore a skirt) and she had holes from piercings in her flash. “An overgrown twelve year old or just a confused parent?” one of the coworkers joked,holding a cup of coffee in his hand while shuffling through some papers.

“Probably more talented than an old brat like you.” the woman muttered under her nose, just for her and Dan to hear. She then gave Dan everything he needed in a nice little bundle, along with some information for the kid that is coming after his pupils. She also suggested him to go to an information assembly for the year 7. But when Dan made that disgusted face he tried to hide, The woman quickly clarified that it won’t be that necessary and that he’s going to ‘go with the flow’ simply doing what his dorm mate will do. Maybe talk with other pupils, ask for formal things to his teachers and everything will be okay. That helped Dan blow some steam out for sure.

 The little map ms.Clower drew out for him came in handy while walking across the enormous campus. It turned out that the big building he saw at first from he parking field wasn’t all the school had. Behind it were some smaller buildings with different classes and courses, along with gymnasium and the cafeteria (the most hated place amongst the older students, as they prefer spread themselves around the campus and eat their lunchessurrounded by nature apparently). In the middle of all the buildings there was the schools park, and that excited Dan a little. Small pathways around a big fountain that had very detailed music virtuoso at the top squirting crystal water, sparkling in the sunlight. The park had a theme of white and pink roses, decorating almost everything and Dan was just hoping his dorm room will at least have a little peek at the beauty of this park.

 When he finally arrived back where he started, mr.Foreman wasn’t there no more, neither were any of the boys. Which was a good and a bad news. No one to embarrass him but also no one to help him. Dan was one of the unlucky ones who had their room at the third floor, plus he was completely out of shape. He bit the tip of his tongue and started slowly walking up the stairs, every other corridor he passed he heard the guy voices, often shouting or laughing. Then he realised that every year gets a floor, only the sixth form sleeps somewhere else, which was interesting as he haven’t seen another dorms nearby.

 After about ten minutes and two near-death experiences, Dan was on the third floor, _panting_. The rooms were numbered from 300 to 340, which meant 20 rooms at each side of the corridor. And Dan had the legendary number 301 written on a post it note attached to the key. He stood in front of it, checking not twice but thrice if this was the right number and the right room. Because this is it. He will now meet a person he’s determined to live with for next few years.

 

 Okay, first of all Dan was never okay with messes. Or in his life or in his bedroom. And at the moment laundry was the first layer of the green carpeted floor. And Dan saw everything, from spiderman underwear to some used and unused tissues. His bed (the only one with neatly sheets) was occupied by a half empty suitcase that obviously wasn’t Dan’s. He already semi-hated his new roommate.

 Speaking of the roommate he sat by the window with headphones plugged into his phone, banging his head to the beat and Dan could feel his face turn dark shade of red. The other teenager looked at him once, then again with his eyes wide. the headphones slipped of his head when he sat up, then he coughed once, twice.

 “I think you switched the uh-the rooms.” the raven haired teenager explained, stumbling over words and looking kind of pissed of. Dan took a deep breath, he needs to stand up for himself.

 

_First days will be a nightmare._ Well now the fist hour is already a nightmare!

 

“It’s the room 301, right?”

“Fuck,sure, yeah. Let me just fix, this.” he pointed with his eyes at the mess in front of Dan. Next thing he knew he had to live through 3 minutes of the boy (he doesn’t really know the name off yet) scoop all the laundry and other stuff in his arms and then dump it all in his closet. Even the door couldn’t hold all this unfolded mess so the clothes pushed through, but apparently that didn’t bother the raven haired boy a bit. Dan took a step in, closing the door behind him before they stood there. The dark haired boy flattened the plain blue shirt on his stomach, while holding the eye contact with Dan. And if Dan didn’t wish for a sudden death before, he wants it right now.

“I’m Phil by the way. I didn’t believe the principal when he said i will have a roommate, so i’m sorry for that.” the boy, Phil, took out his hand over for Dan to shake. He finally snapped out of that shock and offered his new roommate a smile, shaking his hand firmly.

"I’m Dan Howell.” And Dan Howell didn’t really trust the stranger in front of him. That’s what he was told to do, never trust the strangers. And this... this was a new experience to him. For so many years he was dealing with everything alone. In his room in the attic, listening to his father’s old plates and suddenly Phil is here. Phil that doesn’t know that folding clothes is practical, or that haircuts are a thing (Dan was really intimidated by the length of his hair).

 Dan then placed his suitcase next to his bed, sat on the sheet-less mattress and stared outside. There was no view on the park, instead on the tops of the trees separating the darkness of the woods with the sky. Dan scratched the back of his neck, and sighed deeply. Phil was kind of silent too, lying on his bed with the phone in his hands. Phones were supposed to be forbidden in the rooms. Students get to have them outside the dorm rooms and the school building.

 Five minutes in and Dan went to the bathroom, tears spilling themselves like waterfalls and Dan let them go. He did hold the sobbing sounds to himself.

 Ten minutes in and Phil was banging on the door of the bathroom. “Dan? The vice principal is here.”

 Dan wiped his tears quickly and took a look in the mirror. He wasn’t a messy crier, which means that his cheeks were puffed just a bit. He then opened a door and yes, the vice principal was standing there. A woman with very big, green eyes and waist long hair was staring at him.

“Ah, and you must be Dan! I see you found your room. We’re so sorry you had to be paired up with Phil, someone had to. You’re kind of a surprise to us.” the headmaster seemed to be one likeable person. The way Phil was playfully rolling his eyes at her seemed that she was okay with that kind of stuff.

“Anyway, usually the roommates get to share the instruments, but as all pianists were full, we had to pair you up with the violin. But don’t fret, there’s a piano just for you in the school’s storage room. Just ask for the keys in the school’s office and you can go there to study. The new school year’s ceremony just in five minutes. Then it’s lunch, but i’m sure Phil can help you with that.” Dan was scared of Phil helping. Not to be rude, but Dan wasn’t sure about his roommate yet.

 “So yeah, that’s about it. I will be seeing you around the school. I hope you will eventually feel at home. If you need more information, feel free to ask me or the other teachers.” and then she left, exchanging another look with Phil that said ‘you better don’t scare him off’.

 "She lied about that piano thing.” was the first thing Phil, his roommate said when the vice principal left.

 “huh?”

 “Well, you will be able to practise in the storage room. But they would easily find you your own piano if you weren’t the auditioning student.” Dan arched his eyebrow at that. And then he took a seat on his bed again.

 “I-”

 “You are a new student here so i think i should tell you this. Rich students and the auditioning students are really differently threatened at this school. In fact, they take you for an down classer. Don’t worry though, if you really have talent, you will survive.”

 Dan hoped that that pep talk thing was just a big stupid joke made by the stranger like Phil. So he tried to forget about it as fast as he heard it. Difference between people who audition and people who can afford the school?

_Nonsense._

 

...


	2. A good advice.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's week experience, and what it means to go to this school.

The new school year’s ceremony was different than Dan imagined, but also just cliche stuff he expected. Firstly, the school had probably the biggest lecture hall he ever saw. It was like a mini antic theatre. With the stage just big enough to fit entire orchestra, the ceiling paintings (probably painted a few centuries ago) of angles and gods and other mythical beauties, and the red cushion seats kind of looking like the ones in a cinema. All the teachers were standing on the stage with a few older students. At first the principal made this long speech about a new start in people’s lives and the importance of music. Of course, it was meant for the younger people in the audience, but Dan didn’t care. He was fascinated over every word. Then the older students made a small concert, surprisingly covering songs you can hear on the radio. 

Phil sat two rows above Dan. Where he could hear the most chatter and unnecessary jokes from. It didn’t really calm Dan at all, or give Phil a better first impression. Dan had a few friends here and there through out his life. Mostly neighbours that dared to knock on his house door. People often would make assumptions that Dan’s family was some kind of cult group that didn’t want to share secrets about their plans to take over the world. The truth was that his parents just weren’t used to the social life. Both of them were once homeschooled, before they met each other at uni and then fell head over heels for each other.  
Dan had a friend when he was ten, and her name was Amelia. she wore brown pigtails on each side of her head and rocked denim dungarees with various coloured shirts. They would eat pizza on Fridays and walk barefoot on the hot asphalt. Sometimes they would draw, but she was better at drawing than him. And sometimes they would play piano but she had two left hands. And friendship seemed so... fulfilling. Until Amelia stopped to wear pigtails, and made girlfriends. Maybe she forgot about Dan, or maybe she just ignored him.

Just like the Principal promised, after the ceremony there was lunch. But no, Phil didn’t have even think to show Dan around. Instead he had to go back to his room to get that mini map and come back to the cafeteria. People were eating their lunches... everywhere. There were a few students on the fountain in the park, outside under the trees, on the front steps of the school, the benches...everywhere. But Dan choose to follow the rules and walked all the way to the cafeteria, that wasn’t as far from his stand point. Just like everything at this school, the cafeteria was enormous. Even though only a half of students ate there. It wasn’t difficult to get to the line with the tray, and doing just what the other students were doing. It was also pretty easy to find an empty spot in the corner and eat there. Serving classic fish and chips, even though the chips had the texture of gum and fish smelled even worse than fish.. Fancy, for school like this. Maybe they only spend money on the gardening and architecture. Hell, even getting him a piano in his room was apparently hard.

There was no school on this day. The students called this day ‘a fast start’ and usually hung out with their school friends, telling them all about the expensive vacations they've had. Dan once would imagine exploring the school grounds on this day, but he couldn’t be bothered. Instead he bought two bananas from the vending machine outside the cafeteria, walked back to his room and started unpacking.   
His mother helped him with packing two days before school. He had enough t-shirts to last him for three years instead of five days. Even if, he should get his uniform by the evening, he doesn’t imagine having to wear anything else that this. Dan had to cringe when he took the childish ‘Winnie The Pooh’ pyjamas from the front pocket of the suitcase. Note for later, never let his mother help him pack again. 

The bathroom had two sinks, both of them looked used. He placed all his hygiene products on the shelf that was mostly empty, and cleaned supposedly his sink with a paper towel. Dan pondered: maybe that’s why his mother never wanted him to hang out with teenage boys. They are ruthless, and kind of messy. They have their heads up in clouds, with rain falling on their face and they even don’t care. There’s something about a culture of a teenage boy that makes Dan’s skin crawl. He saw, and remembered so many movies about them. American pie was the worst, until his dad shut of the tv and didn’t let him watch more. Yes he was twelve. No he didn’t like it. 

By the time the sun started sinking under the horizon, and his new room was swimming in the shadows and orange sun light, Dan sat against the wall under the window with books and binders that were already organised the week before. He wanted to go through some of the material, studying the chapters of ‘Musical Language v.5’ as if a test waited for him tomorrow. Whatever, he was familiar with the rest of the subjects. Especially French and Geography (his top 2 worst subjects he used to study extra hard for because his mom told him to). 

The room was almost completely dark, and that’s when the door opened. Dan jumped a little, forgetting that he shared his room with that Phil guy. And Phil jumped also, probably forgetting about the fact that he has a roommate now too.

“Hi.” 

“Hello.” 

and those were the last words exchanged between them that day. Maybe even the last this week. Dan didn’t know. What he knew is that Phil sleeps without his shirt, and doesn’t set up an alarm. Dan put on a random shirt and Winnie the pooh bottoms (luckily, it wasn’t that obvious that those were Winnie the pooh themed). 

Obviously he couldn’t sleep well at night. The alarm clock on his nightstand ticked of hours slowly and his head didn’t let him sleep. He ignored thinking about his bed back at home, Saturday will roll around and he will see it again. Instead he looked what’s in front of him. He had to choose; or a blank wall or the exposed back of his new roommate. Phil, the roommate had a lot of little freckles on his back, and a white creamy skin. Made him think of a vampire or a porcelain doll his granny used to have in her bedroom. Shadows marked the blades of his shoulders and two dimples on the small of his back. After Dan quickly turned around, shaking himself out of this creepy act, the sky started to loose its black colour. ‘3 AM’ displayed the alarm clock, which meant he had 4 hours of sleep left. And with that thought he finally fell asleep.

-

Actually, Dan discovered that the lessons weren’t much different than at home. The only difference was that now the teacher uses plural pronouns and the black board behind them. Actually, it’s more relaxing. Other students answered things for him so he could lazily look out the window at the park and the fountain and no one complained. Of course he had to answer, once or twice but as he said, his knowledge wasn’t bad. He had two classes with Phil: the orchestra class (the one where everyone plays different songs on their chosen instrument together) and maths (i’m sure you're familiar with it). Sometimes Phil will nod at him when their eyes caught each other, sometimes they would ignore each other. And yes, Phil was obviously the most liked guy a school. Or maybe one of them. Whenever he went he had people around him. He wasn’t a leader, but he was some sort of hype. 

Dan still sits alone at lunch, and now he has his favourite spot. The one beneath a big window and closest to the exit door. No one sits there and when the bell rings he can be the first to escape before a he gets tangled between groups of teenagers (he knows exactly how it feels). No one payed attention to him, until Wednesday. That’s when a girl sat next to him at lunch. She made him think of Amelia a lot, but instead of pigtails she wore thin braids (probably keeping her fizzy hair in norm). She had smooth brown skin and enormous eyes. If you looked closely you could see that they weren't entirely brown but also had specks of green on the inner iris. Dan was kind of intimidated at first, because she was almost as tall as him, but then she opened her mouth and Dan’s heart stopped beating as fast. Her voice was really girlish but also smooth. And she was talking to him. That’s something new.

“I see you also choose the best spot.” she smiled and winked. The midday sun flared down at her, and she kind of resembled a fallen angle. 

“I’m sorry, did i take your seat?” Dan just started apologising when the girl gave him a close mouthed smile shaking her head, braids falling behind her shoulders. 

“I sat alone anyway, it’s nice to have a company.” the girl then unwrapped her sandwich and took a big bite. There were two options you had, warm food and cold food. Dan didn’t really know how it worked at first so he simply ate whatever they gave him, unaware that instead of the smelly curry chicken and hard rice, he could be having a normal sandwich. 

“I’m Poppy... i play the cello and a harp. You?” she asked, another bite.

“I’m Dan, the piano.” Poppy smiled and nodded.

“Nice to meet you then, Dan. You’re new here, aren’t you?” Dan nodded.

“That’s good, if you want i can give you some tips how to handle this school.” she lowered her voice, looking around the cafeteria, kind of pointless as there was almost no body listening.

“So, there are three groups of people at this school. The rich kids, usually they have no talent as they got in without auditioning but still rule this entire school. The normal kids trying desperately to fit in with the rich kids. And of course people like me and my friends. The ones that got in without auditioning or having money and nobody really likes us. Trust me Dan, this school is least sane boarding school in England. And of course, people try to be better than their friend at everything. you can stick with us, and you're kind of safe.” she ended her speech with a wink and finished of her sandwich. Only then Dan noticed that he didn’t even touch his smelly food. But he could just take a piece of fruit from the vending machine. 

The things Poppy told him sounded kind of surreal. Like a bad teenage high school movie, but with classical music and uniforms. Do people really care that much of how rich you are? 

“How did you get in without auditioning?” Dan asked. Poppy seemed to think about the answer twice, before she answered. Dan noticed that the girl talked a lot.

“Well, my dad was a vice principal here once. Most of the teacher’s kids who go to school here got in at ease. We do get called out a lot, and we used to get bullied in the past. Now people care less and less.” Dan nodded. The bell ringed and Poppy waved at him goodbye before she disappeared behind the exit door. Dan forgot about the rule to be the first at the door, when a swarm of other teenagers were already leaving, and he had to wait for everyone to leave. 

While walking to his room after classes, Dan wondered which category is Phil? Did he audition or is he rich? His attitude doesn’t make him look rich, more like just really messy and careless. But who knows. Speaking of Phil, he was already there when Dan came into the room. He was sat on his chaos of a bed, with a violin under his chin. Quickly, when he saw Dan coming into their room, he placed the violin back into the case. Dan choose not to ask questions about it, why should he?

Dan walked to the desk pressed into a space between his bed and the closet, and emptied his schoolbag on the table. And Phil watched him there, eyes slightly wide. Because why in the hell would this new kid be doing his homework so early after school. This school is far from controlling. And Phil knows that, he can even light a cigarette sometimes in the room and no one would notice a thing. Well, they are controlling when you are young, fifteen and they come into your room on Fridays to see if its cleaned. But Phil is used to shoving everything into the closet anyways. Maybe the teachers are just too lazy to go up the stairs every day just to check on every room in this ungodly big building. 

“Are you doing your homework?” Phil asked. He was never nosy until now, and Dan let out a sigh.

“Yeah, why shouldn’t I ?” Phil snorted under his nose, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Because no one does their homework right after school.” 

“Well, I do.” Dan threw back. 

“You never went to a normal school, did you?”

“I was homeschooled.”

“Really? I didn’t notice that!”

Dan rolled his eyes, and Phil actually felt that. Then some more ideas came into his mind. Who knew that having a roommate would be that entertaining.

“We don’t even get much homework! Like I study for a test in five minutes before classes.”

“Well, I don’t care. I just want good grades.”

“I do have good grades though, try another argument.” Phil was perched on his elbows, phone again in his hands but for no reason. As the stupid game on the screen was less interesting than Dan Howell. 

“I need more time to study, alright?” 

“Aren’t the homeschooled kids like extraordinary smart.” Perhaps Dan was happy that for once he and his roommate talked. But he just realised he hated his roommate a bit more now.

“Can you like shush for a second?” that made Phil Lester laugh uncontrollably. Dan squeezed his pencil a little harder, then he realised that haven’t read a word from his french vocabulary yet. 

“Shush?”

“Yeah, shush.” Dan answered sternly. When Phil finally seemed to shut up, Dan started on reading the words at least a few times in his head. It was hard not being able to read aloud. Maybe next time he should just study in the storage room. But then he will probably be distracted by a piano, he thought. The boarding school was supposed to be easier. And right now he has no ending loneliness, some sort of categories and of course Phil the roommate to deal with. He dropped the pencil.

“Is it that hard, mate? Need a tutor?” 

It was almost funny, really. 

Suddenly, Dan turned fully around, and dramatically tossed the pencil at his smiling roommate. The pencil hit him on the nose and bounced back onto the bed. Somehow this whole scene left them speechless. Dan then feared the worst. What if Phil got really pissed of. He doesn’t know him. Phil might as well practice material arts and throw him out of the third floor window onto the grass. He might break Dan’s neck and leave him at his desk. No one really checks on the dorm rooms anyway. He then would lie that Dan didn’t feel at home and left the school and no one would ever know what happened to that loser guy named Dan Howell who once used to play piano and make homework too early after school.

But Phil only laughed. He burst out, clinching at his stomach. For a moment, a second, Dan laughed back. 

-

It was Friday and Dan was relived that tomorrow he’s going home. He woke up kind of hazy. The room was still cold and dark, but the sky has already started to go blue. Phil wasn’t there when he woke up, but the sound of shower running explained why. Living with another person for a week was just as stressful as Dan imagined. Hell, he can’t even fart in his own room because that would be weird and disgusting (even though Phil does this all the time. Dan tends to not confront him about it...but he’s tempted to). Their conversations are still down to the minimal. He’s not complaining though, when Phil opens his mouth only stupid words come out of it. Phil never plays his violin in front of him, but Dan still has the orchestra class with Phil. One day he made sure to tone down his piano to listen a little bit to the violins (ten of them). He then pays attention to Phil’s fingers, and how Phil plays with eyes closed at the very high speed. He’s giving his heart out on the violin, and Dan would rather hear him play alone. In the lecture hall, with a suit on. Maybe then he would understand why Phil wastes his time on this school. 

Okay, it’s been half an hour and Phil is still in the shower. The sky turned fully blue now, with a little amount of clouds. Dan has lessons in twenty minutes, plus he really needs to pee. Shyly, he stepped to their bathroom door and stood there. He has to knock, otherwise he will leave smelly and in need for a wee to classes. And as far as he knows, the teachers don’t let students take wee brakes during classes. 

His knuckles lingered on the wood, counting to three until he knocked. Once, twice, the water stopped running. 

“Phil! Could you like... hurry up please?” Dan didn’t receive any answers. Instead the water started running again for about ten minutes. Out of frustration, Dan kicked the door. 

“Phil for God’s sake!” he yelled, face red from rage. Quickly afterwards he hid his mouth with his hand. This was a bad idea. Water stopped running once again. Dan heard very wet steps inching to the door before a very damp Phil opened the door with a towel around his waist. Dan’s face redden again, but not from anger anymore. 

“What’s up Daniel? You wanna join me or something?” he obviously was sarcastic. Dan wanted to scream.

“Just hurry up, my classes start in ten minutes.” Phil rolled his eyes at that, before he shut the door again. Luckily, now he was out in not more than two minutes, fully clothed in his uniform. 

Dan never in his life undressed and stepped into the shower that quick. But then he realised that Phil used all the warm water, leaving the lukewarm hell to him. And yes, he also used up the last drops of Dan’s shampoo. 

One day he will do something to Phil that will hurt him for the whole week, maybe even a month. He just couldn’t get a worser roommate. 

-

He met up with Poppy at lunch again. But now she was very eager for them to go outside. Those were the last days of summer and it didn’t look like the sun will be leaving them soon. This place was wondrous. Usually the weather in England is very rainy at this time of the year. This week it was everything but rain and heavy wind. So Dan agreed. He made sure to not order the warm food again, instead he took the club sandwich out of the freezer and a small bottle of strawberry juice. 

Kids younger weren’t able to eat anywhere else than the cafeteria, so outside was full of people his age or older. They seemed to have a good time, with blankets spread out on the green, freshly cut grass underneath the various maple trees in the park. But Poppy dragged him further away. Behind the Gym building there were 2 football fields, a volleyball field and about five tennis courts. Poppy mentioned a pool, but it was closed most of the year after students would sneak out and jump in it. 

A group of people were seated on the grass underneath the goal on one of the football fields. Three people in total, two girls and one boy. One girl (black hair pinned up into an enormous bun, small figure and a pointy nose) held a purple ukulele, playing soft tunes that Dan didn’t recognise. The boy (Messy honey blond hair and a kind of chubby figure. Feminine hips) and the last girl (Short hair, that looked like once used to be pink and long legs) was waving in Poppy’s direction. Poppy power walked over to her, hugging her while standing which resulted in Poppy falling on the top of the girl, it made everyone laugh. Along with Dan, who stood there awkwardly with his arms hugging his chest. 

Poppy quickly sat up, looking over at Dan. Actually, everyone was looking up at Dan. He was blocking to sun , which looked like there was a halo around his head. 

“So this is Dan! He’s a new student and a pianist. Dan, meet Maja she plays a french flute and of course everything guitars, Florence is a fellow pianist but we call her Flo and Oscar is kind of good in everything. And yes, we are the uncool group that really don’t fit in this school.” Dan smiled on the outside but also beamed on the inside. He already had the feelings of not fitting in with the clean cut average of this school. But who knew that the people he related to were just behind the gym block, under a goal. 

Dan had to kind of tell them his autobiography. It wasn’t really long. Homeschool, antisocial parents and the cat he really missed. They loved it though, listening carefully to anything Dan said, slipping in a joke once in a while. 

“It’s so cool that your parents are so down to earth. I had to beg mine dad to come to the auditions. He believes sport is more important than any other talent.” Oscar complained as he started up to the sky. Flo, the girl with washed out pink hair snorted.   
“That’s incredibly ironic, as we are on a football field.” Oscar plucked out a few strands of grass to throw at her. They laughed again ,and that’s was all they did throughout the lunch. Dan decided that even the sandwiches tasted disgusting at this school, but he enjoyed eating them more surrounded by the people he will once call his fiends. Or can he call them friends now? That’s kind of complicated. 

Phil wasn’t at the orchestra today, but that wasn’t new. He uses to sneak out of the classes a lot, even though it’s boarding school. Teachers are used to it, Dan thinks. They know that he will eventually come back, and his grades are his problem not their. Dan doesn’t know if it’s like this at every school, but at this one the teachers don’t care much. They really don’t.

His orchestra teacher is Ms.Owen. She’s the old lady type of a teacher. One that’s kind but also very annoying, with her sharp tongue and too much sarcasm. But she complements Dan a lot on his piano skills. They are playing Tchaikovsky, and Dan never really liked the artist. His music is just creepy and unenjoyable, so Dan cares less about the music class today. HIs fingers ache when the class is over, and even though he doesn’t want to, he wonders where Phil is. 

Of course, he sees Phil after school. He storms into their room, taking a jumper out of his closet and throws the backpack under his bed. Then he takes a second to look at Dan, who sits under the window with a book in his hand. Phil purses his lips to the side, and Dan want’s to know what it means. 

“You... you wanna come with me?” Phil asks, and for once there is no joke in his voice. Dan thinks for a second. 

“Where?”

“Adventure.” Dan lets out a breathy laugh at that.

“Where as in place, location.” 

“Into the woods... with a few people.” Dan tries to remember the last time he saw Phil's ‘people’ and their stupid jokes and loud laughs. All male and smelling of Axe deodorant. 

No, he won’t defiantly want to hang out with them. He’s not that desperate for friends anyway. He has Poppy and Maja (even though she’s kind of shy) and Oskar who is too funny for his good and Flo who’s quirky and says that Dan’s hair is lovely. He doesn’t need to be the kid that hangs out with the rich, to try to be cool.

So he refused.  
“Alright, just asking.” then he turned around, but didn’t leave until he said his last words.

“No worries but hanging out with the most bullied group at this school, won’t get you anywhere. Just be prepared for the worst. And Poppy, she’s not as angelic as you think she is.” and then he left. 

...


	3. The feeling of rain.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems like Dan's creating a bit of an autumn storm at home and at school without intentions.

At home everything was just as Dan left it to be. The hum of some radio station was playing old songs in the distance, the smell of cranberry cookies came out of the kitchen and the clingy cat couldn’t help but glue himself to Dan’s legs, purring for attention. Dan’s parents came for him early in the morning just so they arrived so they could arrive just at time for lunch. Dan’s mom made some chicken soup and garlic bread, Dan’s favourite meal. His stomach flipped just at the thought of some good homemade food. He wouldn’t admit that at school he ate a drier than a Sahara dessert sandwich and sometimes a piece of fruit from a vending machine a day. Poppy once gave him a tip to take snacks from home and hide them in the suitcase next time. Of course it’s against the rules of the school, but at the other hand no one really cares. 

Dan didn’t really want to talk about school, even though his parents begged him for it. Nothing unusual happened, beside him making somewhat ‘friends’ and hating his roommate. To this point he made all of his homework, scored good on a few tests and managed to not piss of his teachers. Well, his geography teacher did complain that Dan wasn’t really active in class. Dan didn’t took the criticism to his heart, instead he made himself ask maximum two questions every class and mr.Marcy forgot about Dan almost instantly. 

Dan was tired. Sleep was still the hardest thing to do at this school. Not only because Phil’s had two stages of sleep: snoring like a fire-breathing dragon with a head cold or pacing around the room. Dan wouldn’t probably be able to sleep either way. It’s something about missing his own room, and the cat tucked in with him under the heavy covers. That’s the only way he can get a good sleep. 

At the dinner table Dan decided to give at least some information about his school days. He told them he had to play piano in the storage room, but that wasn’t that bad. Actually, it was the only place he got some goddamn privacy. 

When he asked for the keys for the first time for the storage room, the school’s office was at shock. Dan didn’t give them a good first impression either. Then Dan explained his situation with the piano, and they kind of bought it. The room was a floor under school, with the smallest windows on the top of the ceiling to get at least some light. It was bigger than Dan imagined it to be. But still, four walls guarded by old furniture, broken instruments and a piano. Surprisingly, it was tuned. Dan somehow managed to push it to the other side of the room, under that small window, so he could see something at day. He has to admit, playing in privacy was incredible. Even at home his mother watched him at all times when he revised. Even the songs he had to play weren’t too difficult but also not too easy. He liked it there, his own little corner. Just like Poppy’s friends have the spot on the soccer field and Phil has... his forest. 

“And what about your roommate dear? How’s he?” Dan didn’t want to talk about it also. Well, his roommate was awful. There was nothing more to say. Maybe not as awful as really pretentious and mysterious. He’s just as dark as the night sky but also just as annoying as a fourteen year old teenage boy. Dan can just imagine his future.

“He’s alright.” Dan pressed his lips together, gazing down at the circles in his chicken soup. 

“That’s nice to hear. We were worried you will kill this guy a day after. After all, you are a kid who needs a lot of personal space.” Dan’s father smirked, before sorbing up a spoon full of his own soup. 

“That’s not my fault.” Dan murmured, hoping he will close of the subject... but that didn’t happen.

“What do you mean by that?” the mother asked, even though she knew exactly what her son meant. Dan meant that he was almost never allowed to play with the other kids in the neighbourhood. Dan knows exactly what some neighbours think of his parents. And it’s nothing honey and sugar. 

“Whatever, forget it.” that was a big fault.

“Dan, we don’t want you to talk to us like that!” that went from 0 to 100 really fast. His father was already punching the table. You could hear the cutlery clicking. 

“Alright, i’m sorry.” and that was the end of the conversation. Dan finished his soup, ate two slices of the garlic bread while his parents talked about work and remained silent for the rest of the meal. As mad as he was, Dan would say that the bread didn’t taste better than a piece of cardboard. But then he would lie, the bread was delicious. 

He sneaked a few more slices of that, before walking to his bedroom at the highest floor. He spend as much time alone as he could. While siting at the edge of his open window (the roof was just beneath his feet, he was fine) and munching on the senseless piece of bread that somehow tasted like godlike pastry. And then he did his thinking. What would happen if he did go with Phil to the forest that day. Why did he disagree? What did Phil mean by ‘don’t trust Poppy?’ and mostly, how did he know who Poppy even was? As far as Dan knows, Phil is the auditioning kid who hangs out with the rich folks. Why? Dan’s not sure. Poppy hates his type. But also, Dan never asked Poppy if she knew Phil Lester.

Something was wrong. And Dan realised that for the first time he can’t wait for a Monday to come around. 

The clock in Dan’s room displayed eight o clock and he decided to go downstairs. His dad was seated on his desk, probably paying taxes or something else that adults do. His eyebrows were knitted together, and his reading glasses were slipping of from his nose. Hs was also pursing his lips, something that Dan feels himself doing while concentrated. 

“I’m sorry for how I behaved then.” Dan said silently while leaning on the door frame. His father sighed, eyes still on the computer screen.

“It’s okay Daniel. Believe me, I was a teenager once too.” Dan couldn’t really believe that sometimes.

“Can i ask you something?” Dan continued, very soft spoken. 

“Of course.” Okay, that was the last test to see if he’s still angry. So it means that Dan approached it very well.

“Can i get a phone?” There was a long pause after that. Dan knew his dad won’t just say “Sure you can son! Let me put all the money into the newest smartphone for you to get your brains turned into a mush!’. But maybe he will be able to win him over. Talking to his dad was simpler than talking to his mom anyway. 

“Why do you need a phone? I heard you can’t have those at your school.” yep, there it was.

“Well, i can use them after classes and outside the dorm room. Plus, i will be able to contact with you guys easier. Every fifteen year old has one. Why can’t i?” Dan was kind of proud of himself, because it was obvious that his dad was considering it (judging by the look on his face). 

“I will have to talk about it with your mother.” Dan started to bounce on his tiptoes from excitement. 

“Can we do that tonight?” he asked kindly?

“I don’t know Daniel.” his father answered, unamused. Luckily they did talk about it tonight. Dan was there, biting on his nails, hoping that his mom already forgot their disagreement at the dinner table. 

It took exactly two hours to convince his mother to buy him a phone. Two hours of him assuring his mother that he a) won’t use his phone in the class and b) will be very careful with calling strangers and blah blah blah. At the end Dan almost wanted to drop it, but eventually they both agreed. Dan got those tingles in his stomach again. 

The next day they toured around all phone stores until they found the one.It was a last year’s smartphone with all the basic apps and features but Dan was happy with what he had. He already added his parent’s contacts... then realised that those are the only people whom numbers he knew. Poppy has a phone too, and so does Oscar. Will they be willing to give him his number next week? Why was it such a dilemma anyway? Usually on Saturday the Howell household had a tradition to go somewhere by car, visit an old place or go on a track and play football or badminton for fun. Now Dan obligated to go anywhere but his room, with his nose pressed to the phone screen. 

Dan’s mom feared that this will happen. She complained about it for a while before her husband cooled her down a bit. “It’s just a new thing for him.” he assured her. “Let him play with it for a little”. 

On Sunday Dan was missing school, but also enjoying the time he could spend in bed. With warm sheets pressed to him and a queen sized bed instead of the small one he has in his dorm room (where his naturally long legs are longer than the mattress itself). Dan could hear raindrops hitting his bedroom window. A faint sign of the upcoming autumn. There are a plenty things relaxing about rain. The sight, the feel, the smell and the sound. Especially the sound of it angrily pouring on the sidewalks. Dan wishes sometimes he could be more like rain than he is. Sometimes it would feel great just to pour it all out of his system. But he’s thick fog, lingering above the fields. He stays silent, quiet, soundless.

“Daniel! Breakfast.” time to get up. Dan didn’t miss school more than the smell of fresh bread in the morning and his parents laughing by the stove, almost like teenagers in love, dancing to the Beatles. Tomorrow he’s gonna wake up to the rain again. The rain named Phil Lester.  
...

“How was your weekend?” Dan and Poppy met up at the school’s library on Monday morning. Both of them had a break now, but it was raining uncontrollably, so all the students stayed inside. The fact that both Dan and Poppy found the school’s unused library was a great place to get a break, was just a coincidence. Dan didn’t really liked books anyway, and Poppy seemed to only be interested in taking a nap on the library’s enormous bean bag. 

“Great, I...I got a phone.” Poppy’s eyes shot open, looking oddly excited.

“Cool, can i see it?” Dan nodded, reaching into the pocket of his trousers, pulling out a old looking smartphone with the transparent sticker still on it (because it’s supposed to protect the screen). Dan could’t really register what was happening next, but then he realised that Poppy was writing her number and a few others into his phone. He blushed a little at that. That was... just really kind.

“There, now you got our phone numbers. Feel free to text us if you're bored in class, i usually do that when i have biology with Mrs.May.” she send Dan a grin and nudged him on his shoulder. Dan laughed also. Mrs.May was the teacher who couldn’t get words out of her mouth and dressed like military nurse from the WW2. Some of the teacher’s at this school were fascinating. All of them hate classical music, and Dan finds it so ironic. Well, only the generic music teachers like their jobs here. 

They sat in silence for a minute. Looking around, searching for a topic in their heads. Two awkward teenagers don’t make anything good. Well, one of them was more awkward than the other, but still. Then Poppy turned her head to Dan’s side, her locks taking the other direction and slapping her in the face, that was worth a laugh.

“Are you coming to the autumn greetings?” she asked, and Dan didn’t really understand what the hell it was. It had a word autumn and greeting, but Dan’s can’t imagine this overall pretentious school shaking hands with a season. 

“Like, you know. On the first day of autumn the school organises a big bonfire; to greet the autumn or something. When the weather is good we go into the woods, to these small hills near a river and we can bring our instruments. Usually the younger kids make these cute shows... it used to be like a big deal. Then we eat marshmallows and sing by the fire. To greet autumn.” Dan imagined a night under the clear sky with marshmallows and a bonfire. It sounded fantastic.

“I guess i’m going, then.” 

“Sweet! See you at lunch.” she said as if she sensed the bell ringing right a second after. Dan swooped his backpack on one shoulder and hurriedly power walked to his next class that was unfortunately at the other end of the building. 

The autumn greetings didn’t seem like such a big deal at school. He didn’t hear anyone but Poppy talk about it. Perhaps because only she was so pumped about it. Even Flo hated the idea. “Sitting outside in the cold night, afraid of some wolves jumping on us isn’t my idea of fun.” she admitted at lunch. The rest couldn’t really hear her as the cafeteria was doubly crowded today. Because it was raining everyone was forced to eat in the cafeteria, only a few kids could go to their dorm rooms. Poppy, Oscar, Maja and Flo sat on Dan’s spot, that was also Poppy’s spot and now everyone’s spot apparently.  
Because more kids ate at the cafeteria they served microwaved pizza, and even though it wasn’t the best food they ate two whole pizzas together. 

“There are no wolves around this school.” Poppy said with an eye roll. 

“We are in the middle of a forest. I believe everything’s here to find. Bears, hedgehogs...”

“Dragons and the big friendly giants.” Oscar added for her, making everyone laugh.

Suddenly Dan noticed someone watching him from across the room. A place where everyone was talking loudly and poshly. His eyes focused on Phil, with his blazer off and the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to his elbows. It was odd how he can find his roommate in the crowds of people. And how his roommate is glaring back, and his word’s ‘Poppy isn’t as angelic as you think she is’ are again in Dan’s head. 

“Hello? Dan? Are you still with us?” Poppy, who was sitting on the other side, asked. Waving her hand in Dan’s face.

“Yeah, yeah. I just spotted my roommate who usually doesn’t come here.” at that, everyone turned around, and Dan wished they wouldn’t. Luckily, Phil was now looking away. 

“Where is he?” They asked, but Dan simply shook his head.

“He’s with the big group up there He’s kind of an asshole.” they shrugged and kept on eating what was left from their second pizza. 

“I feel your pain. I don’t like my roommate either. Ugh.” Poppy shook from disgust at the thought of her own the girl she was forced to live with for these last years. She was silent and kind, but extremely annoying at times. Spilling her nail polish on the floor or stealing Poppy’s laptop without asking, explaining that it she needs it for school. Even though there are perfectly working laptops in the library. Maya and Flo live together though, so it means that not every roommates have to hate each other. That was how you should make friends, but sometimes the people weren’t really what you expected. 

“Who is your roommate anyway?” Maya asked, the most nosy one out of the group. Basically because of her Dan had to tell his whole life story that day at the football court.

“Oh it’s Phil. Phil Lester, i don’t know if you guys know him.” 

Suddenly the table was silent. The eyes of his newly made friends were on him, and they had their mouths open. It was like Dan said the most horrible thing imaginable, and maybe that was the case. Because he didn’t know that his roommate and his friends already met before, in the past. 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for waiting... this chapter is not really that ground breaking but it's the third one, so what do you expect? Sorry, that sounded mean. Maybe i should see myself out. I hope you liked it though and see you in the next chapter!


	4. Somethings are meant to be.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people aren't as bad as they seem. Also, Dan has a bad time with all the questions. 
> 
> TW: cigarettes, mentions of imaginary murder (not to spoil anything, no it wasn’t a real murder, don’t worry.)

Wednesday, the 19th of September. It was a pure coincidence that the first day of Autumn, along with Autumn greetings are happening on this Friday. Also the weather after Tuesday was freaking beautiful. Chillingly cold but also sunny. The time of the year when the rest of summer plants die out and people start to buy slightly warmer jackets. Dan was seated at his usual spot, against the wall underneath the window. He was revising for his maths test, knowing that his teacher gives them an unexpected test every Thursday. The day was so calming. Everything felt soft and silent. Dan wondered why for a second. Then he remembered that his roommate is once again away. Yes, perfect.

It was perfect until the door has been slammed open. Wood hit the wall and few splinters fell to the ground. Dan jumped a little, hairs on the back of his neck rose up. But he wasn’t tearing his eyes away from the notes written in his notebook yet. He knew it was forever angry Phil, who will eventually fall face first on his bed and fall asleep, like he always does. Without pyjamas or anything. Dan isn’t sure if Phil even owns pyjamas, he usually sleeps in his jeans. 

But this time Phil had another idea. 

“Put on a warm jumper or a jacket. We’re going on a walk.” Phil’s words rung in Dan’s ears. His head almost slammed against the wall when he looked up at Phil, who was furiously looking for something in his drawer. 

“Wha-?” Dan asked, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Phil finally found the thing he was looking for, before he turned to his confused roommate. 

“I need to cool off and you look bored. We can go for a walk.” it was poorly explained, so Dan gave him a simple answer. 

“Oh no, I’m not going anywhere with you.” Dan said. As a response, Phil sighed. He then took two careful steps and ducked in to grab his miserable roommate by the hem of his white button-up. It was enough to put Dan back on his feet.

“Just for a walk. Please.” Phil held a strong grip on Dan’s school’s uniform. The look in his icy blue eyes was so intense, like an unclear mix of angry and sad and tired and frustrated. Dan felt himself chewing on his bottom lip, his guts turning and heart racing in weird patterns. Their faces were close to each other, dangerously close. Dan imagined a feel of a fist colliding with his cheek at a high speed. But then Phil turned his gaze elsewhere, and let go of his shirt. That was a close one, Dan thought. Hell, the window was just behind him, a kick could leave him flying out and dying. Phil didn’t look that strong, but he did look smart. And Dan wasn’t okay with the thought of dying at a young age. 

Phil forced himself not to smile when he saw Dan reaching for his jacket.

-

Dan once believed that the school didn’t really care who was leaving the dorm rooms and who wasn’t. But that wasn’t all true. Five teachers took turns to watch over kids who snuck out of their rooms at the forbidden hours. But Phil did it so many times, he had some good techniques. One, his mates already put his name on the list of attendance in the dorm rooms. So he could go whenever he wanted when no one was around. To walk out he just needed to distract whatever ‘guard’ was standing at the door. 

“Watch this.” he whispered to Dan when they arrived at the bottom of the stairs. His expression quickly changing from neutral to stressed out. The dark haired ran to the teacher, saying something about a sick student on the first floor. Dan quickly hid in the shadows when he heard the teacher walking up the stairs, worriedly. 

Phil was at the door, waving at him to come. Dan’s heart didn’t really slow down, it even speeded up (if that was possible) at that moment. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he was doing it. 

Distracting the other guards was oddly easy. The sky was already half dark, so walking slowly in the shadows wasn’t difficult. Soon they were at the path between trees. It got darker, but Phil took out a torch hidden in his pocket, just to see if a branch wasn’t laying underneath their feet. It was calmly silent when they walked. Dan could still feel his heart hammering, but after a while it didn’t bother him anymore. Specially with a chill breeze ruffling his unruly, curly hair. 

The path was leading to a small field. It looked like a farmer might live near the school. At the beginning, Dan thought that there was nothing but woods around the school so that the kids don’t sneak out to the cities to get wasted in some cheap bars. But apparently the forest is just a small part of their campus. There are hills and a river and apparently a field with sheep. The sky was already turning darkest shade, and a few stars started popping out. The only source of light was now the moon when Phil turned the torch off. Dan found out that he likes this open space more than being surrounded by trees at every direction. 

He felt a little bit safer, but the thought of wolves ripping his insides out was still on his mind from the lunch he had on Monday. They kind of stood there, without staring at one another. Maybe that was what Phil was planning. Take Dan somewhere in an open field and then slice his throat open. But formerly Dan could smell something. Smoke. But not generic, burning wood smoke (luckily). It was something he only smelled a few times but could easily recognise. A cigarette. 

Yes, his dark and dangerous roommate was holding a cigarette in his right hand up to his mouth. The end of the cigarette lit up, and after no more than five seconds Phil exhaled a cloud of smoke from his lungs. Dan could barely see anything, but he could see that Phil’s eyes were closed. It was a different expression that he usually wore. He looked kind of uncomfortable, as if someone was jamming a stick right into his stomach. 

“I didn’t know you smoked.” Dan noticed silently. He never smelled tabac in the room. Phil was constantly chewing gum, but Dan simply thought he did it to look cool or because he sometimes woke too late to brush his teeth. 

“Yeah, I do. Sometimes.” Phil kept his eyes closed, and Dan swore he saw a single tear sliding down his cheek. But no, it was just imaginary. 

“Are you alright?” another question. Dan wasn’t nosy, usually. At least he didn't admit it. But something was going on, and he could feel it. 

“Yeah, yeah. A few of my so called ‘friends’ pissed me of today. I don’t think they will be called friends anymore.” his head was turned up, so he could look at the forming stars. Curls of smoke lingered under the moonlight before disappearing into the air. Dan had to grip at the sleeves of his jacket a little tighter as he felt a chill running down his spine. 

“And you invited me because?” Phil snorted at that, and it wasn’t even a humorous snort. He pinched the bridge of his nose, while the cigarette slowly burned in between his other fingers. 

“Because I’m scared of the dark.” it sounded more like a question, or sarcasm. Both. 

“That’s a poor excuse and you know it.” Phil laughed bitterly at this. 

“Well, your question wasn’t a smart one either.” he explained jokingly, and now Dan had to roll his eyes.

“No, I’m serious. Why am i standing here freezing while you lead yourself to cancer?” 

“Because you’re the closest person now who doesn’t want to punch me in the face and I hate to smoke alone. Happy now?” Dan was. He was almost beaming. 

“Phil? I know it’s not an appropriate time to ask this but... how do you know Poppy?” Dan basically coughed the words out. He was right, it was a very bad moment to ask him this. Now when Phil is kind of pouring his heart out, but also staying angry like a wild dog. 

But the question just can’t leave his head now. At Monday, when Dan mentioned his roommate at the table everyone lost their voice. It looked like they were looking for a right explanation but didn’t come up with anything, so they continued talking about something else. Such a weird moment. Dan didn’t even bother to ask any other questions. He knew that they will ignore it anyway. 

That’s a new thing. Dan has questions and he can’t for the love of god find the answers. They’re not on the internet, or encyclopaedias...only in the minds of these five teenagers that are completely closed off. 

“The girly that befriended you? Agh, I think she could tell you this if she had the guts. Basically, she and her little group were a joke of this school once. Still are at times. Don’t worry, everyone at school know’s who she is.” 

That made Dan feel guilty. He didn’t want to hear such things about his friends. No one likes to be bullied. Especially by the rich kids at this school. He wanted to ask more. All the questions that were saving up in his head, but Phil looked tired enough. He took a last drag from his cigarette, before stubbing it out on a tree behind them. All the stars were now alined on the sky, and Dan took a small moment just to look at them. He didn’t even realise that Phil was leaving him behind.

“Hey! Mind to follow me, Howell?” Dan tried to stop the grin forming on his face. Howell? No one called him that. Maybe his mother when she used his full name. Daniel James Howell, come right now to clean up this mess you left in the kitchen!

He shook his head, then proceeded on doing what he was asked to do. They went back to the dorm rooms, of course no word said between them. When jumping into his bed, Dan realised that even though Phil has about twenty friends and a popularity of a super star at this school, he still called Dan ‘the closest person I have’. He doesn’t know how it makes him feel. Kinda weird, to be honest. Yeah, weird. 

-

Dan doesn’t quite remember his Thursday. It was a boring one, as always. He only saw Flo a few times in the hallway, didn’t bother to start a conversation with her. He doesn’t quite know if she likes him. She’s terribly quiet and hidden. There’s that dark aura around her, with her head hung down, looking at her dark converse that aren’t by any means what you can wear at this school. Dan thought she wore them because she wanted to out-stand, but then Oscar explained that the big sized converse are the only shoes that fit her feet. He never noticed this, but Flo has extraordinary big feet, and apparently the school’s uniform shiny patent leather shoes don’t fit her. Even the men size. 

He saw a glimpse of Poppy sluggishly walking in the park alone with her cello on her back. She was waiting for someone, judging by the look on her face. But Dan was watching her from his history class window, so he couldn’t see much. Then the teacher yelled his name, making him look straight forward. Of course, Dan wasn’t interested in Julius Caesar or the ancient Rome, so he mused an ‘uhhh...’ so that the teacher could pick someone else for an answer. When he looked back out the window, Poppy was gone. 

Walking back to his dorm room Dan didn’t expect Phil to be there already. Especially not him standing in the middle of the room, with his violin in the crook of his neck, playing a very melodic song. He swayed his body to the music, as if he was flowing with the music itself. His fingers danced on the neck of the shiny instrument, and the bow slid down and up in a slow manner. His eyes were closed, just the slightest; and he most likely had music coming from a pair of big speakers on his head. That’s why Dan stood by the door he just has closed. He was starstruck, his mind wanted to move but his body didn’t knew how. He never saw Phil in this light. So charismatic and magical. So passionate. It took his breath away, even though it shouldn’t. 

But soon enough the song ended, and Phil had to open his pair of enormous blue eyes, just to see his roommate staring at him as if he had two heads. “What?” Phil asked neutrally, holding the violin by its neck and sliding the headphones from his head to rest around his neck. Dan didn’t answer for a moment, then he started choking out sounds that didn’t really sound like words. His cheeks turned a deep shade of scarlet as he tried to explain himself. It was rather amusing for Phil, but also confusing. 

“I-I-I I haven’t heard this song before. I like it.” he finally answered, to which Phil smiled (can he even smile?) sheepishly. 

“It’s from Spirited Away, this kids movie. I didn’t know that there were people on this planet that haven’t seen the movie. It’s pretty epic.” he mused under his nose while taking a seat on the bed. Did the violin suck up all his sarcasm away? Dan hoped so. It was like that little devil on one of his shoulder decided to go on a vacation. 

“I haven’t seen it. What is it about?” Dan smiled brightly, taking a seat on his own bed but facing Phil. He didn’t want sit next to Phil, it might be a bit too much. Just yesterday he was scared that his roommate might push him out of the window, now his music almost made him cry. 

“It has a lot of segments, but mainly it’s about a girl that is supposed to move to another city. Her family gets stranded and they end up going to this abandoned town. Then her parents turn into pigs and she has to go on a quest to find a cure and turn her parents back into humans. But it turns out that the place isn’t just abandoned, it’s a ghost town. The movie is actually beautiful, and it has the best soundtrack.” Dan realised that he liked Phil’s voice when he wasn’t all dark and sarcastic. He realised that he liked his smile too, but it was too embarrassing to think about so he focused on the voice. Meanwhile Phil was laying on his back now, hand pressed to his stomach as he gazed out the window. 

“Sound’s interesting.” Dan muttered, switching his gaze to stare out the same window. The trees were now swaying with the wind just like Phil swayed to the music not long time ago. The sun was almost down, painting the sky in shades of pink and orange and purple. 

“You wanna go somewhere tomorrow with me and a few other people? The school ends faster due this stupid autumn bonfire thing, and I bet you enjoyed the walk yesterday.” Phil suggested with a higher tone now, as he flipped on his stomach to look at Dan. 

“I can’t... Poppy asked if I wanted to go with her to the autumn greetings.” Dan said with an apologising look. For the first time he isn’t hating his roommate that much, and now he has to say no to him. To be honest, he’s more interested in what Phil has to offer, now when he saw him in that light. But promise is a promise. 

Phil scowled. “ That seems pretty fair. I mean, she was first.”

“Maybe next time?” Dan tried to make the situation a little bit lighter, it didn’t work. 

“I don't know... will there be a next time? Why should I give you another chance anyway.” he shrugged his shoulders before standing up and walking to the bathroom. When he heard the shower running, Dan collapsed on the bed. His hand flew up to his temple. 

Sky was getting darker, he hasn’t made his homework and he has no energy to change into his pyjamas. The midnight storm turned out to be a spring’s morning. And Dan had no idea what to do with that information, but to sink it deeper in his heart. There was a time when he needed explanation. Now all he needed is some sleep. 

-  
Everything was ready when Dan slowly arrived. Phil was right, the school ended faster than usual because of the bonfire. Younger classes were already sat on two large logs, which left Dan’s year (the minority) to sit on the grass. It wasn’t the best, as from time to time there were small ants crawling up his trousers, but soon when Maja gave them blankets everything was better. There were still almost no words shared between Dan and the rest. Not only did they not ask Dan anything, but Dan felt kind of awkward to say anything. He was guilty because a) he wanted to hang out with Phil more than them and b) Poppy thinks he and Phil are some sort of best mates. Which is completely not true, but Dan let it slide. If she wants to talk to Dan, she eventually will.

The sky started to get darker so the teachers decided to light up the dry wood stocked on a pile. Then the youngest kids stood up with their instruments in a row. Two cellos and a clarinet. Everyone watched as they played very easy pieces Dan never heard. Yes, it was as boring as it sounds, but Dan made himself not yawn all the time. The clarinet solo was quite interesting, but then the kid made a mistake and exited himself while crying his eyes out. 

Older kids started talking, and the rest watched fire ripple in the air. Then Dan felt someones elbow poking his side. It was Poppy, who sat right next to him crosslegged with half of her face covered by her palm. She wore an elegant dress and a school’s jumper on the top, mascara smudged and hair down. It was obvious that she didn’t have much sleep tonight, and maybe even other days. But neither did Dan.

“I’m sorry for being so silent yesterday. I...I had a bad day.” she said, her voice low. Dan swallowed a ball forming in his throat to be able to speak.

“Everyone has a bad day sometimes.” Dan squeezed her shoulder, Phil appeared faintly in his memory before he shrugged it off.

“I guess you're right. I just didn’t want to associate myself with him again.” Dan knew who ‘him’ was. It was the same guy that Dan called ‘angelic’ yesterday. 

“I guess I won’t find out why?” she took a deep breath, something prickling in her throat. 

“It’s not the time Dan. I just want you to know that Phil was once my friend, and then he wasn’t.” After all those events, it was still quite a shock to Dan. Phil used to be friends with Poppy? But didn’t he say that she used to get bullied? He already opened his mouth to ask another question when he felt the familiar presence. The laugh, the fake one. He could recognise it from kilometres. Phil Lester was here, but Dan didn't know quite where. It wasn’t good time, Poppy was right about that. he quickly spun his head in all directions, expecting to see the familiar pale face and a pair of blue eyes. He saw nothing.

“Hey, you're alright?” Dan nodded, lying. He then made himself believe that it was just the wind playing tricks on him before he turned to the fire to receive some warmth. 

It was a surprise when Flo came up on the ‘stage’. She had her ukulele in hands, that wasn’t a classical instruments but for now the teachers ignored it. Dan immediately remembered the first cords. The dark haired girl then began singing, and a wave of nostalgia washed over him. Dan remembered his mom listening to this song a lot. When she was sad, or troubled or just wanted to relax. It was no other song than ‘Can’t help falling in love’ by Elvis Presley. His mother’s first crush and favourite tropical musician (that’s what she claims). 

The music was so shooting, Dan could fall asleep listening to it. But whenever he closed his eyes he saw Phil Lester and smoke coming from his mouth. And he heard the words ‘there won't be a next time’ that were probably the end of their little escapade. To be honest, Dan doesn’t want to hang out with Phil and his friends. He doesn’t want to be one of them, the rich and popular kids. He only wanted to talk to Phil more. He wanted to explore his good, non sarcastic side. If that was even possible. 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be unclear, Phil didn't show up at the end. Dan just really wanted him to be there because he wanted to see him again, if you get the idea. Also the song Phil was playing is 'One Summer Tomorrow' the soundtrack to studio ghibli's animated movie 'Spirited Away' that i DONT OWN !!! If you want to hear a violin version of it (well a viola version of it but it's practically the same' you can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPYfdCQA_yE. 
> 
> And the ukulele version of I cant help falling in love (THAT I ALSO DONT OWN) is here. I even imagined Flo's voice being like this so here ya go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jq3pjjpqAyo
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter! See you next time!!


	5. Waves and Loops.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's month, and other surprises.

Over the course of a month, everything seemed to grow at it’s own pace. The funny thing is how much Dan got used to school and how it works. Even his grades got better because for once he learned to participate and focus in class instead of getting his head in the clouds and forgetting about half of what the teacher said. At some point he created a routine, where he wakes up, goes to school, eats lunch with Poppy and her friends, goes back to his room for a second just to sneak out into the storage room and play piano the whole time he’s there. It’s his relaxation time. When the rain started to pick up and everyone stays in their dorm rooms, making more noise than when everyone was still outside after school. So walking into the storage rooms to avoid all the fuss was an excellent idea. 

He even got used to Phil staying too long in the shower or snoring loudly at night. Walking in the evenings for Phil’s smoke break was also a small part of his routine. Phil used to come into the room every Wednesday evening, where Dan was waiting for him with a jacket on and they both went outside under the moon to talk a little bit and for Phil to smoke his daily cigarette out. 

Dan never imagined thinking it, but he quite likes spending time with Phil. Only if it’s alone time though. He learned so much about his roommate. Like the rambles about his stupid parents traveling from country to country and his older brother that is far too protective. Other than that, Phil talks about nonsense. Dan can’t count the times their conversations reached the meaning of life and existence because they just got bored of talking about the usual things. They agree on most of the subjects, but it’s more fun when they don’t. 

The wind blows their hair into their faces and Phil sometimes stands closer Dan to get some warmth. Sometimes in the light of Phil’s flickering lighter when he hits up the tip of his cigarette, Dan can see Phil’s eyes in focus and all the colours blending together. There’s blue and brown and yellow around his pupil and it looks sometimes more glossy than other times, which means that Phil may wear contact lenses. Dan can’t imagine Phil in glasses though. He’s has this typical ‘dangerous’ persona, glasses would just make him dorky. 

“Whatya staring at?” Phil asked sarcastically with the cigarette in between his lips. Dan shook his head, eyes traveling immediately somewhere else. 

And that’s not even the only time that Phil studies his features. It happens all the time, and Dan has no control over it. When they are in math class, Phil sits two rows infront of him and  
Dan just stares. He likes to analyse Phil’s behaviour. He chews on the tip of his pencil, doesn’t know what to do with his incredibly long legs and also he opens his notebooks from the back and not the front. Sometimes he doodles on the desk, just to smudge it away immediately (so Dan can never see his roommate’s ‘art’, sadly). 

Another thing that drives Dan crazy is that his little escapades with Phil are kept a secret (at least for him). Poppy and her friends can’t know that he and Phil talk about bizarre things in the universe. She can’t know that they actually interact throughout the day, or else Dan will be once again ignored and he doesn’t want that. To cover things up a little bit more Dan talks about all the flaws his roommate has, just to make sure than no one gets suspicious. 

At home Dan does two things. Eat his stomach full to get prepared for another week of shitty food and sit on the edge of his window to reflect on things on his own. He tries to avoid any arguments with his parents at all costs, even though from time to time it’s kind of impossible. It’s just all the questions they have about school start to get a little bit annoying. 

And so it is every week. Dan’s excitement about things slowly dies down.

One day phil burst into the room on a Friday.

“You have something to do on Saturday?” he asked causally, taking his jacket of from his broad shoulders and hanging it on a chair. Dan rose his head from one of the textbooks he was holding in his hand, looking intrigued at Phil.

“But...that’s like a weekend.” Dan said stupidly, which made Phil snort. 

“Yeah, my brother wants me to come and look for some apartments in Brighton, i could take someone with me.” 

“And you want to take me?” 

“Why not?” Phil asked, like it was the stupidest question Dan could ever ask.

‘Because you hate me?’, that’s what Dan wanted to ask. Instead he shrugged, looking back down at his messily scribbled notes on a piece of paper, wishing that Phil would be as obvious as math formulas are. 

“Is that a yes or a no then?” Dan looked at Phil again, trying to understand that little smile in the corner of his mouth. He wanted to go.  
“Just...gonna ask my parents first.” he muttered out, to which Phil shrugged. 

“Whatever.” he responded, not as bitter, not as happy also. 

-

Dan didn’t ask his parents after all. He lied about some school trip and they didn't ask more questions. There was one comment from his mother that she will miss her little baby because she won’t be able to see him for two weeks now (Dan told them he won’t go back home on a Sunday also, but he’s not sure what he will do on that day).

Walking around school while every student left was quite bizarre. He looked at cars coming and leaving while he slumped against a tree, waiting for Phil to arrive. That was a place they agreed on meeting after school, but it takes Phil longer than it should. For the first time in forever Dan had his causal clothes on, which was a pair of washed out jeans and a striped shirt under a short, black jacket. Just before he realised that this will be the first time he will be seeing Phil in his everyday clothes, there he was. From around the corner he walked in Dan’s direction, wearing almost all black. Black skinny jeans, bright red shirt with some prints on it and a leather jacket. Yes, a leather jacket! 

“Hi Howell, spotted my brother yet?” he asked while approaching Dan, who was slightly out of words at the moment.

“Yeah..- I mean no, no i don’t-” 

“There he is!” Phil cut him off, looking past his shoulder at a candy red mini copper parked right underneath a tall tree. A head was sticking out of the window, so that seems to be Phil’s brother. Almost nothing was alike, except of the sharp features and the bright eyes the older man had. The man waved at them to come into the car, and Dan couldn’t be more nervous. Meeting new people wasn’t a talent of his. The both boys had to sit in the backseat, as the front seat was also taken by a girl with short red curls that stood up from her head. At first Dan thought it might be their another sibling, until he saw her and Phil’s brother holding hands. Right, that was more obvious. 

“Hey Martyn, hi Cornelia!” Phil greeted while jumping into the car, not caring to introduce Dan to the two seating in the front seat. Phil’s other family members were a bit more polite, because they introduced themselves.

“You’re a new face! Hi, I’m Martyn, the better and more handsome version of Phil and here is my girlfriend, Cornelia.” the guy with short blond hair smiled and winked at Dan, before reaching to shake his hand. 

“Ha, that was so funny Martyn! You just received witty points, you can shove them up your bum now!” Phil barked out, showing his brother his tongue. Dan expected them to have a fight now but Martyn just laughed it off and started the car. Dan never experienced the privilege of having a sibling. His parents simply liked to live with three people in the house, and he never minded to be the only child. But it doesn’t mean that he never wondered how it would be to have someone to joke around and share everything with. 

Phil noticed Dan looking very uncomfortable in his seat. His legs were fidgeting from place to place and the bottom of his lip became more swollen and red as he kept biting on it. Without thinking of it too much he placed his hand on his shoulder and squeezed it a little bit. It made Dan look at him oddly, but he slowly relaxed under the touch. This created like a weird bubble around them, when the both understood each other without words. It shocked the both of them, and after a few seconds of looking into each others eyes, they quickly pulled away and looked in other direction. 

-

Dan saw the seaside a few times in his life. His parents weren’t fond of the windy place and sand going everywhere. They preferred going into woods or meadows, or everywhere where nature was green and growing. The sea felt dead, pointless. For them there was nothing interesting in ice cold water and the beach. So Dan didn’t have many expectations for the trip. Phil said they will walk around to look for apartments for his brother, that can’t be very interesting. 

At twelve o’clock they arrived at the place. Some parking lot next to a super market because normal parkings are too expensive. Martyn walked out first, stretching out from almost four hours driving. The rest, even Dan fell asleep in their seat after a while. When they pulled in Phil had to wake Dan up which was as awkward as it sounds. The sun was hidden behind a layer of grey clouds, but the wind was surprisingly not as strong as it tends to be. He can’t lie, Dan wasn’t expecting much from the little trip, but when Phil suggested the four of them splitting up in groups of two, Dan got a little bit more excited. 

“Are you kidding me? You were supposed to help me pick a nice house!” Martyn immediately obligated, leaning against the car. Cornelia wasn’t paying much attention to them as she was still pretty dazed off from her sleep. 

“Sorry mate, but I think even Dan can agree that it’s boring as fuck.” Phil said quite rudely. Martyn shot Dan a look, wanting him to differ but Dan really wasn’t looking forward to it. After about a minute, Martyn gave in.

“Alright, alright. Just don’t drown or get lost anywhere, we meet again at four. Keep in eye on him, Dan.” Martyn finished with a wink, oddly in Dan’s direction. It made him giggle, but he hid it immediately. 

They said their goodbyes and walked the opposite direction, where the land ended and they heard the sound of waves. It reminded Dan of all the little walks he had with Phil. The ones that are usually silent but then they turn into conversation full walks with no end. But now it wasn’t dark and Dan wasn’t scared of bears or wolves. When they finally reached the beach, Phil took his shoes off and so did Dan. There were not many people around maybe a few walking their dogs or jogging alongside the sea. Some couples walked hand in hand and children build sandcastles messily. Dan was looking everywhere, his head turning from left to right but Phil was looking straight forward. This was a perfect time to start a conversation.

“I hope Martyn won’t care too much that we left him.” said Dan, hoping for a longer answer than ‘yeah’ or ‘hm’. 

“Yeah, it surprised me at first that he even suggested me coming with him. Sometimes I think he wants to spend least time with me.”

“Why? I thought he’s overprotective.” 

Phil let out a short laugh under his breath. “Of course. Maybe that’s why i’m even attending a boarding school. He hadn’t enough temper to ‘protect’ me.” he answered bitterly. 

“Isn’t that the parents job?” that made Phil’s eyes go dark and his expression hard. That’s when Dan knew he choose a wrong way to go. 

“Supposedly it is.” 

The sand felt irritating against Dan’s feet. Sometimes he feels like he understands Phil, but sometimes he feels foreign to him. 

“I think Martyn is kind of as my parents. They want to protect me but then I feel like they don’t care about me.” Phil glanced in Dan’s direction and now he had a bitter look. 

“You don’t need to rely on your parents much. I stopped relying on them since I was twelve, and it helped lots. But I imagine it’s harder for you as you’re such a mama’s boy.” he teased Dan in a way that a brother would. Or a friend. 

Phil is not your friend though, a thought came in the back of his head.

“Hey! That’s absolutely not true!” Dan snapped and pushed Phil away by his shoulder, making him lose his balance and land with his feet in the ice cold water. 

They went silent after that, but small smiles stayed on their faces. Suddenly the dark clouds separated a little and the sun shone at them from the little peaks. 

“Why did you even take me here?” Dan asked, but he shouldn’t ask. The atmosphere was to calming to be sentimental again. 

“What do you mean?” asked Phil, stupidly.

“I’m not Cody, or Mark or any of the popular gang. Sorry, it just surprised me a lot when you asked me.” 

‘To put it this way, they aren’t really my friends. Like I do have friends at school, but i hate them. And i care about you more and I want to be your friend and from now on I will stop teasing you, or annoying you and I want to be your best friend.’ 

that’s what Dan wanted to hear. But instead he got this: 

“I don't know.” 

Then they decided to buy hot chocolate in one of the small stores located next to the pavement not far away from the beach. They had only enough change to buy one, which means they had to share. They sat on one of the benches facing the sea, sharing hot chocolate and watching seagulls and the waves and Dan can’t believe that his parents never found the sea beautiful. It’s so calming and perfect. Yes, it is dead and a constant loop how it goes forward and back again, but there is peace in watching something pass by at such a slow pace. Just like his past month, and maybe even his year will be.

It’s been a month, and Dan becomes less the person who he was before school. He has friends, he has real fears and real doubts. He lies to his friends and lies to his parents and somehow he doesn’t regret it. And now he’s sipping hot chocolate with a person he would usually avoid. 

He feels free, at least a little bit. 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, it's been ages. I was very busy past these two weeks and now it's really late on a Sunday but i decided to finally finish this chapter. As you see i used Phil's brother and his girlfriend. Didn't really feel good about adding them to this fiction, but this just made this work not as far away from reality. The next chapters will be very far away from eachother in time because i don't want to dwell to much on one period of time. (I hope it will turn out good)
> 
> My finals start in like two weeks, which is different from everyone so i hope your guys finals turned out good!!!! 
> 
> Anyway, i hope you liked and see you in the next chapter!!!!


	6. Nothing brought the cat back.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are cringey haloween costumes, pencils and some intense feelings.

The October is finally close to an end. And who would ever believe that the rich musical talented kids are so obsessed with the American holiday; Halloween. The last week of October he walked into a hallway wrapped in spider web. Pumpkins of all sizes were sat neatly on every surface, witch’s broomsticks were hanging of the high feeling and bloody handprints made out of some sort of red glue were sticked to the windows. He wasn’t sure why at first, then Poppy and to remind him that the Halloween is close by, before she explained that the school takes every holiday very seriously and usually organises a ‘ball’ or a ‘dance’ just to get all the stress from both student’s and teacher’s shoulders. 

Dan had to laugh out loud at the dinner table on a Sunday when he got a text from Poppy telling him he should get a costume for Friday, the day of the dance. 

“A costume?” his mother asked confusedly, after sucking a noodle into her mouth. Dan shrugged before locking the phone and placing it next to his own plate.

“The last time I dressed up I was nine.” he admitted, twirling spaghetti around his fork. 

“I remember it! You wanted to be Mozart so bad and mom had to curl your hair the night before!” his father pointed out with a smirk on his face. Dan remembered it also, his hair coloured with grey colouring spray that was impossible to wash off. He looked like a nine year old grandpa for an entire week. At the time their family came to visit them too, but Dan was proud enough to say that he was dressed as his favourite composer. 

“Oh please Dad, that was ages ago” Dan covered his face with the balms of his hands, regretting his cringe worthy childhood. 

Then the topic changed into what Dan wanted to wear this Friday. To be honest, he was not sure himself. What does look both cool and not too childish to be dressed up as? His whole youth he wore costumes designed by his mother, and he looked less and less cute each year he wore them. As a tree year old he walked out of his parents bedroom with his mom’s bra strapped around his head. It was supposed to be a turtle and for a three year old it was the most adorable and disturbing thing ever. So of course his parents decided to make it their only son’s new halloween costume. Next ones weren’t as ‘spectacular’ as the bra turtle though. When Dan had his superheroes phase, he wore a long red cape along with green shirt and jeans combo, he was a little robin running around the house and annoying the family’s cat. But then when he grew out of it, the halloween costume was once again a big mystery made by his mom. Year after Mozart, Dan was too embarrassed to dress up as anything for Halloween. Perhaps because his older cousin named him Einstein because of his curly and grey hair. Or maybe it was just the time to put all costumes away, in some box in the attic. Time to move on, grow up. 

But there was this one costume that he may take some inspirations from.

When he told about his idea to Poppy next Monday morning, she had mixed thoughts.

“ Alright, alright... you can go two ways though. The adorable way or just plain creepy.” Dan had to laugh at that. Because he also thought about it. 

“Just don’t put on a mask. Masks are horrible.” Oscar butted in into their conversation, squishing himself between Poppy and Dan while walking down the hallway. It made Dan almost fall into a mannequin dressed up as a mummy that apparently scared various students for years. 

“Not if it’s an Italian mask, like on a masquerade! With charming princes and glorious music.” Poppy exclaimed, taking a step forward and swirling in circles to non-existent music, in a ball room created only in her head. 

“Yeah, get back to 15th century dear, you're making people look at us weirdly.” Oscar stated as he cringed. 

They had to separate at the stairs, which Dan climbed up to the second floor, where his math class was. He was the first one of course, as it was still about five minutes until the bell rung. He sat on the chair in the far back, the one with horrible words carved out and bubblegum stuck to the bottom of the desktop. Guess who was the last to choose his seat as last when he walked into the math class on the first day of school?

He sat on the chair and undid his blue winter coat that he wasn’t a fan off. His jacket went on a retirement at home, as it got colder and his mother made him wear the winter gear again. Next few minutes he sat on the chair, watching the morning sun slowly peaking it’s way up from the horizon A brood of hens flew pass it, probably to some places warmer than the upcoming winter. Slowly, student after student started filling up the classroom. But Dan was just too dazed out to feel a presence pulling a chair next to him. Only when the bell finally rung, he looked next to him to see the familiar pale face and light blue pools looking straight into his. 

The teacher came in and everyone atomically stood up to greet the class, a ‘ritual’ everyone was used to by now. 

The math class went by like every math class, but now there was someone by Dan’s side, almost nagging for attention. First he started kicking the leg of Dan’s chair, then he started coughing before he kicked Dan’s chair again.

“What do you want?” Dan finally whispered out of frustration.

“I lost my pencil.” he spoke back, not bothering to whisper and probably not caring that the teacher watched him with stern eyes. 

“How could you possibly lose your pencil?” 

“I left it on my desk.” Dan knew he was lying (he never even sat at his desk), but eventually he passed Phil the pencil. He hoped for it to be the end of Phil’s annoying chair kicking, but then he heard the tip of the pencil on the wooden desk. 

He peaked at it from the corner of his eye, just to see a tiny message on his own desk, amongst all the toilet jokes and ‘this person hearts this person’. 

‘remember when you threw a pencil at me?’ 

Dan couldn’t help but message him back. 

‘Yes.’

‘I never gave it back to you’ Dan’s had his eyebrow raised at that.

“I don't care, i have a bag of pencils in my drawer.” he whispered back, but then realised it was a bad idea as the teacher shushed him sharply, before turning back around to face the blackboard. 

‘i think we need to writ’ 

Dan smiled a little, adding a small ‘e’ to the word Phil wrote wrong. 

‘I don’t need the pencil.’ he wrote quickly, before keeping on taking notes from what is written on the blackboard. When he was finished, there was a rather long message on the very end of Phil’s desk. It was hard to read it, Phil had a messy handwriting. 

‘I used your pencil for like a month, hope you don’t mind ;) ’ Dan had to keep his smile from behind his teeth, but he couldn’t help the blush that raised to his cheeks as he burned like a freaking volcano. 

 

-

Today’s orchestra class was rather intense. At first the class was unruly loud when the teacher didn’t come into the room in next ten minutes of the lesson. When Ms.Owen burst into the room it seemed like the last drop of her old soul was drained from her. Although she probably sold her soul already for paid vacation and a good room at the campus. The class fell into silence, only thing heard in the big room was the clicking of her pointy heels. Her dark, unseen eyes behind thick pair of glasses seemed to turn lime green as she walked to her small platform. She took the long dirigent stick in her slender and pale fingers, she closed her eyes and inhalined deeply until her chest was full. 

One Two Three.

Halt. 

“Is that some kind of a lame joke?” she whispered in a monotoneily. The class looked at each other, confusedly. 

“I’m teaching one of the best musical arts school in freaking uk, and you can’t even play the first note right. And keep your back straight, Lester.” Yes, she was speaking to Dan’s dorm-mate nonetheless. Phil looked straight in front of him, even ignoring a few students snickering behind his back, but one look from ms.Owen made them zip their lips shut and throw the key away. Her gaze quickly switched back to Phil, now with his back straight and the head of his violin pointing at her. She nodded, then slowly rose the stick in the air again, and the music started playing. 

Not for long though, because after five seconds ms.Owen flipped her shit again. And once again focusing on Phil, even though in Dan’s opinion he didn’t play differently than anyone else. 

Phil was a shy artist, Dan discovered it not long ago. He almost never played in front of Dan, only when he has to. That’s why he stands a little bit stoop-shouldered with his instrument, he doesn’t want it to be noticed. He isn’t playing the same when he’s alone. His music comes out unsure. He’s scared of his own bow and his own talent. On many days ms.Owen doesn’t care, on this practical day when she switched attitude with the devil, she did. And it’s horrible to watch the scene unfold in front of his eyes. 

Somewhere in her long speech, she blurted out: “I don’t know if you guys know this, but your parent’s won’t buy you talent. They can but you this school, the instruments, the fame. But one thing you have to learn.” at that moment Phil stormed out of the classroom. The instrument collided with the floor, the sound of wood crashing filled the room and after then the door slammed shut. 

After the day was over dan hurried to his room, in hope to find Phil sitting there. He was there, cigarette in hand and the window opened making their room turn into a freezer. Dan would usually walk to it and close it immediately, but Phil didn’t look like he would appreciate it much. He didn’t sit there with sadness in his eyes, just a chilled out look. You could see dreams floating into his head, like paper kites as he threw them out the window like the smoke coming from his mouth. 

Hairs on the back of Dan’s neck rose up, from cold and amazement, both. He walked over to the space where Phil was siting andhe settled down with his body mirroring Phil’s. 

“Ms.Owen is a bitch.” he whispered, making Phil turn his head from the dark sky to look at Dan. 

“That’s not new.” 

“And she isn’t right, you can play, Phil” his dark haired roommate smiled, eyes shifting to the outside again, mouth catching the tip of his cigarette. 

“No she’s right. I didn’t study the song in the weekend, didn’t have time. So yes, i did play poorly.” Phil explained, to which Dan furrowed his eyebrows.

“So why did you storm out of the classroom.” Phil’s eyes traveled to Dan’s. Day by day it was more comforting to look into Phil’s eyes. It was just as refreshing as if he would stare at the flowing river or the blue summer sky. 

“She was just being annoying and i wanted a cig, you don’t have to be so fucking concerned of me all the damn time.” Yes, Phil cursed about two times while saying this sentence, but despite that he was smiling brightly. 

For a short time they both stared out the window, sky was dark blue and the trees swayed to the heavy wind. Phil put out his cigarette, throwing it out the window before closing it shut. 

“Let’s make an agreement.” Phil stated shortly, Dan turned his head waiting for him to continue. 

“I’m gonna give you your pencils-” Dan laughed, but Phil didn’t finish yet.

“And you’re going to invite me to that storage room you revise in.” 

Phil, waiting for Dan to agree held out his hand for a firm shake as a symbol of trust. Dan, though he wasn’t as sure of what rules this agreement had, shook his roommate’s hand. 

-

After school Phil found himself sneaking into Dan’s piano room, also called the school’s storage, with his violin and a box of cigarettes. He knew Dan was heading there every Wednesday at noon, he saw him going down the stairs many times. He even remembered the way to the basement. When he arrived there, he pushed the heavy door open to be welcomed with a soft piano music, blinking fairy lights and the smell of dust and old furniture. The piano was located in the middle of the room, and Dan was sat next to it. His long fingers were stretched over the keys and the tip of his feet pressing on the pedals. 

The boy stopped when he felt a presence behind his back. He turned in his seat to face Phil fully, who was looking suspiciously around the room.

“The fairy lights were my idea, it gets so dark here and I made it a little bit cosy.”   
Phil nodded with his hands in the pockets of his trousers, spotting a lonely desk against the wall under the small window as he decided to sit there. He then took his violin out of the case, held it under his chin and started tuning the instrument. Dan, when finally realising what Phil wanted to do turned back to his piano and waited for Phil to begin. 

“What do you want to play?” he asked nervously, eyes switching to Phil in the corner of the room. The roommate shrugged, keeping his eyes on the violin. 

Dan never was very loud about it, but he didn’t forget about the movie that Phil recommended him a while back. He actually made his parents buy Spirited Away on Amazon and watched it about two times. He then proceed to buy other movies by Studio Ghibli, enjoying every one of them. Dan was never a big fan of movies actually, he found them boring and time consuming but apparently it was so much better than sitting alone in his room and reading all those books he already read. It astonished him how many emotions can be put into drawn characters, and the soundtrack was beautiful. His favourite one was Kiki’s delivery service, because it made him think of the situation he’s in. Leaving his home to go to a complete new place, feeling lonely at first but then going on so many adventures. 

It surprised Phil when Dan pulled sheet music from his bag and started playing ‘a town with an ocean view’. Phil, knowing randomly how to play it too, joined in. And the evening was made, when the two sneaked shy glances at one another while smiling through the cheerful music. Ms.Owen makes them play all those depressing pieces by some ancient composer, she doesn’t understand the beauty in something as simple as film music. For her the music is made up from rules that you have to follow, but classical music is so much more. 

Soon enough Dan and Phil were playing the whole howl’s moving castle soundtrack, making the time fly by. Dan had this fuzzy feeling in his stomach every time a song ended, he couldn’t stop playing and playing. He didn’t feel like that for a while, always missing something. Now he knows that all he was missing was a violin duet and Japanese movie’s soundtrack. When the last song ended, the song that in his opinion came out the prettiest, Dan heard the click of a violin against the floor and the sound of his shoes approaching him. Sometimes Dan would fear his roommate walking up to him that closely, thinking that maybe he would punch him in the face or make him fall out the window. But the fear was long gone, and he didn’t expect anything from Phil to do to him now. 

His roommate placed one hand on the top of the piano to prompt himself and the other one on the back of dan’s neck. In one swift move he pulled him in for a closed mouthed kiss. 

Dan’s eyes widen, looking straight at Phil’s closed ones. His nose was pushed into his roommates cheeks and his dry lips touching his. His heart was beating at the unbelievable speed, and hands shook from simple surprise. That was the least thing he expected from Phil to do. But the kiss lasted at least five minutes, after Dan found the strength to part their lips, not long after Phil opened his eyes too. And Phil wasn’t even embarrassed, or angry or upset... that bastard was smiling! 

“What was that?” Dan whimpered, pushing himself away from Phil’s embrace. 

“I think i just kissed you.” Phil acknowledged, out of breath. His arm was still resting on the piano and Dan was still siting on the stool. They stared at each other, Dan tried to ignore the fact that his cheeks were burning. Before any more words were exchanged, Dan stood up from his stool, passed Phil with long and fast strides and walked out of the room, leaving the door a little bit creaked. 

-

The Friday evening was freezing cold, even though Dan wore his scarf two times around his neck, the autumn air still got to him. The furry brown jumper wasn’t enough either, as his hands were starting to loose touch and his knees were shaky. Maybe that’s why bears sleep in winter, he thought. The party wasn’t much for his taste, and when he started to feel a head ache he quickly escaped past the students, down the hallway and outside to catch some fresh air. 

Just when he was about to get back in, he felt a buzz in the pocket of his mouldy brown skinny jeans, expecting Poppy to ask him where he’s at. His mouth formed an ‘o’ when Phil’s name popped on the lock screen. He held his finger on the message, getting distracted by the photo of his cat in the background. Should he simply ignore the text? That’s what his brain is telling him to do. Little sounds in the back of his head, begging him to give up his curiosity and slip the phone back in the pocket of his jeans. 

Of course, the kiss sparked many questions and idea’s in his head. But the one question, the one at the top was always ‘why?’. Why would for heavens sake, Phil Lester, the bad boy persona and a cold person at heart, feel a need to share a lip-lock with his awkward roommate? 

Dan only experienced kissing through scenes on tv and texts in books. His parents didn’t kiss that much, maybe a peck or two when they were feeling very happy, so he almost never saw the real thing. The idea of kissing, making out, was put in his head through various images and camera paces and fast movements of hands plus the smacking sound of a pair of lips. The girl, shyly reaching for the face of her lover when the boy took the lead. People kissed at the end of a perfect date, in the rain as they meet for the first time in forever or under the orange glowing lights and bedsheets. 

A person kisses a person when he’s sure of them. But that’s the logical way to look at things. 

There are also things that Dan couldn’t see in the movies. Like the way his heartbeat increased and stomach tightened in a good way. The feeling of Phil’s lips made him suddenly so curious and happy, it’s like a mechanism in his head is working against Dan’s will. Sometimes he feels like that while playing music. It’s all feelings playing at once, and when it stops the same action replays over and over and over again in his head. Somewhere, in the deep and secret side of his consciousness there is the whole idea of Phil Lester replaying his actions like Dan just pressed the rewind button on a VHS player. 

Next time his phone buzzes, it’s Poppy asking him where he went. And it’s the logical side of him that answers here that he has headache and needs to go back to his dorm room. Inside, he packs his dirty uniform in his bag, brushes his teeth, lays down on the bed and doesn’t fall asleep. Phil comes back around 2 am, smelling of cigarette smoke and surprisingly alcohol. He sits still on his own bed and Dan knows he’s looking at him.

Could it be that maybe, possibly, doubtfully,... Phil has feelings for him? 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the big kiss scene. Sorry but i really suck at making things intense, but that's it. I actually quite like the way this fic is going, sometimes i'm very doubtfull but then an idea strikes along and i'm like YEPP I'VE GOT IT!!! But yeah, i'm still learning so don't judge. 
> 
> I hope you liked it, for all people starting their vacation i hope you are having a great time. I'm still one week ahead before exams!! 
> 
> See ya!


	7. Butter biscuits.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very special thanks to my beta swimmergirl_01, she gave this story a special touch !!!

There’s something extremely saddening about a person dumping their buttered biscuit in a hot tea for too long. Slowly, the ends of the biscuit crumble, leaving big blobs of moist pieces of the biscuit in the tea, making it not even a little bit enjoyable anymore. No one likes lumps floating around in their tea, even though once it was a delicious buttery biscuit. Some days, Dan simply doesn’t have enough energy to take the sweet out of his burning tea and eat it, sometimes he forgets about everything surrounding him and just gazes into the distance. His mum knows best that on those days there’s something off about her son. 

She let out a knowing hum, and turned one of the chairs so it was facing Dan, before she sat closely next to him. Dan didn’t pay much attention to his mother, as he continued looking out the window and the suffocating biscuit. She tried to decide what to say before choosing on simply asking:

“Is everything alright, dear?” Dan’s hooded eyes switched to his mother’s face, full of concern. He shrugged.

“Okay... I get it, everything is alright. I know if I start asking questions now, you will get angry at me so let’s not talk about it.” she said, clasping her hands, to which Dan sighed. 

“Sorry, I just ... I…. don’t think I can talk about it.” And that was the truth. How the hell could he even start explaining the issue behind his glaring eyes and sharp breaths. How could he tell her that his roommate unapologetically kissed him, stealing not only his first kiss but also his dignity.

“Is it about your friends? You don’t talk about them much anymore.” There’s not much to talk. They hang out, of course. But sometimes Dan can feel that Poppy knows about him and Phil. She’s a girl, apparently they can sense out things like that. They can also get all pissy and not talk to you for a while. The only person which whom he can feel more connection with is Flo, because they both don’t really follow the same conversations. And she’s a pro at not following any conversation’s, just kind of sitting there and listening. 

When Dan’s mom felt him refusing to continue this topic, she searched further: “Or are there problems with your grades? We get the new ones in the email, and I see you’re lacking in maths.”

She was completely right. Phil didn’t leave the seat next to him at all, and sometimes Dan has problems with concentrating. 

“If you want, we can give you tutor lessons if that would help-”

“No! It’s okay Mum, really. I’m just a little tired, that’s all.” he cut her off, standing up from his seat ,and with the cup of thee and crumpled biscuits he walked to the sink, washing it down the drain. 

-

To his surprise, he found his dorm room on a next Monday completely empty. Light peaked from the pulled down drapes over his and Phil’s bed, which one was made neatly and the other one was crumpled together in a cocoon. But there was no sight of the familiar bag Phil always took home, or his toothbrush next to a sink or socks under his bed. Dan didn’t have to much time to investigate as his classes will be starting pretty soon. He took a granola bar that he snuck into his suitcase from home (it still confuses him why he can’t bring food from home) and quickly ate it up as there was no time to enjoy the taste of dry wheat mixed with honey and raisins. He walked across the quad, which was the quicker way to get to his classes than taking the path, and entered the school just before the bell could ring. 

Phil wasn’t seen anywhere at school. The seat was empty next to him at maths, but also his own seat was taken by someone else. Their room was incredibly silent when Dan entered and the rolled up sheets were still there and drapes over the window were still down and something told Dan that it wasn’t just some normal case. There are strict rules against missing school (Dan had once read the whole guideline page on the school’s official website out of curiosity of course) and he found out that they are less strict about kids leaving school early in the weekend than not turning up on a Monday. Which means that even if you’re really sick you have to come on a Monday to then leave on a Tuesday which to Dan didn’t make any sense. 

After a while Dan decided to not think about it. He should be happy right? No snoring at night or the smell of cigarette smoke in the room all the time. He could use the dorm room for himself the whole day, and maybe even the whole week. Now he must know why Phil was looking at him with such a regret on the first day, because having a room just for yourself must be amazing. 

He reached for his bag and decided to study, which was also a big privilege of having a room empty today. It’s almost impossible to study when Phil is in the next room, he constantly listens to loud music talks with some people over the phone or simply annoys the crap out of Dan by throwing various things at him. The thought made Dan smile, only a little, before the familiar scene started to play in front of his eyes again. Then his smile, quivered into a frown. No, he wasn’t right. even without Phil in this room, studying was impossible. It wasn’t long enough when he tried to occupy his head with other things. Like reading. The new novel that his Mum recommended him was quite nice, until he realised that it was a romantic novel, and when the word ‘kiss’ came up in front of his eyes he slammed the book shut. Listening to music was also not easy, because even instrumental parts were so full of emotion and feeling emotional was the last thing he needed. Games on his phone were boring, it was to late to clean the room but also to early to sleep. He could go outside to catch fresh breath, but he’s not brave enough without Phil. 

Eventually it ended on his opening the front window and sitting on the very edge with his legs swinging above the grass. The sky was cloudy, and so was Dan’s head. 

Next day Dan woke up all groggy. He met up with Poppy in the library once again, it’s like they always find the same place when they are both feeling down, because Poppy was also pressing her hands against her closed eyelids and yawning unstoppably. She held a pair of books under her arm, but Dan can bet that she wasn’t even aware of what she did. She’s just as much of a zombie as he in the mornings, so Dan walked up to her to chat. 

“Oh hi, didn’t see you there.” she said surprised after Dan tapped her on her shoulder. 

“Of course you weren’t, your eyes are closed.” that was a lame joke but Poppy laughed after all.  
“I’m sorry, it’s just... there’s.. It’s like a storm in a teacup happening home. My Dad got fired from his job again, which isn’t as surprising as it happened two times now. Now my whole family is against him and I’m the only one on his side, kinda sucks, you know?” She explained slowly, in such a normal tone that Dan didn’t even realise how serious it was. He couldn’t really relate, his parents were two love birds that could only argue about smallest things and then forget about it right after. 

“That must suck.” she snorted, but not meaning it badly. Her eyes shifted down to look at the blue pair of shiny pumps on the old-fashioned carpet. They stood against the wall of the library, where the librarian couldn’t see them or hear them talking. She hated when kids hung out there in fear of them ruining the books. 

“And, what’s making you so moody?” again, girl’s are very good at sensing anything different atmosphere. Dan sighed, there is nothing he could tell her about. He couldn’t even form the thing that happened in any other topic, because she knew he was sad. He couldn’t lie either, because he is very bad at that. 

“I just had problems with... someone.” he explained, the blush reaching his cheeks. He hoped, dear god please don’t make her ask more questions pl-

“And who is it, that ‘someone?’” she asked suggestively, wiggling her sharp eyebrows in his direction. 

“No one special.” he said, finishing with a giggle that indicated that he was really lying now. 

“Yeah, right! Who is it? Is it someone from this school? Is it someone you like?” and there she is again, a freaking genius that knows everything. Dan decided to give up. 

“Alright, so there’s this someone who has been giving me weird signals, alright? They are not from this school and to be honest I wasn’t sure if I liked them until...” 

“Until what?”

“Not important.”  
“Daniel James Howell, and don’t even ask me how I know your middle name, tell me now what’s been happening because I can’t keep my excitement anymore and I may scream and embarrass you because i have no shame.” 

“Alright, alright! This someone kissed me, and I have no idea what to do.” Her eyes widen and her jaw dropped down to the floor and Dan couldn’t really indicate if it was a good or a bad thing. 

“Seriously? Someone kissed you and you didn’t tell me right away? Was it good? How long was it? Is she pretty?” Poppy started asking questions eagerly, and Dan didn’t know how to stop her.

There are a lot of tricky questions. Because firstly Dan could say that kissing someone as Phil Lester could be very gross but repeating the moment in his head doesn’t give him any grossed out feelings, so who knows. Secondly in Dan’s head the kiss was unending but it was probably just a few seconds, he can’t tell. And lastly, it’s not a she, it’s a boy. A boy that Poppy knows personally and a boy she utterly hates. 

Luckily for him, the bell rung just before he could say anything more. He did slip out ‘but don’t tell anyone.’ on their way back to class, and he hoped she would respect that. 

-

Phil didn’t come back on a Tuesday, or a Wednesday or a Thursday. In fact, Dan wasn’t sure if he would come back at all. Being alone in the room gave him all the freedom but also all the hours to spend without having to say anything or interact with another human being. It didn’t matter if Phil was snoring next to his bed or not, because he didn’t sleep either way. Poppy was still asking him about the mysterious girl and lying about that wasn’t as difficult as lying tends to be. 

To be fully honest, he was almost sure that the kiss that happened between him and Phil doesn’t even matter. Because from the small tips he got from Poppy confusion is a normal thing. He doesn’t have to exchange the feelings if there aren’t any. He doesn’t need to make it more difficult on himself if what’s between him and ‘her’ isn’t a real thing. And Dan believes that to be true.  
That was until the Thursday after class, when he walked slowly back to his dorm room now taking the longer way back with all the other boys who didn’t pay much attention to him. He walked lazily up the stairs, knowing that the moment he comes into the room he will see sheets crumpled up and no bag and no toothbrush and no socks. Strange thing it was, when he opened the door pretty wide and saw that sheets were now spread across the bed and a body outlined them. A mop of dark hair laid on the pillow, and a sharp, pale nose sticked out of it. The body breathed peacefully, letting out small puffs of air from his half-opened mouth, making the falling hairs of his fringe fly up before dropping down again. He did look paler than usual, and his nose was still a little stuffy, and Dan felt everything at once. 

“You like a person when you see them in a different light.” said Poppy once when she tried to explain the crush thing to Dan again. 

The realisation came upon him, like a fist to face, he did like Phil... a lot. And he wants to know if phil likes him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for supportive comments !! I'm going away from home for two months which means also away from my computer but I will try to update on my phone, so no problem there. I wish everyone great summer holidays !!


	8. The Spur of the Moment

Next Monday things basically repeated themselves. Phil was ignoring him, just like those three months ago. Dan saw him talking more often with his old friends, as well as changing his seat in maths. So you’re probably assuming that Dan started ignoring him too, not minding the dart of his roommate’s eyes every time he looks in his direction. Well, that would be the case if things didn’t change those three months ago, but they did. Like the fact that Dan doesn’t get lost at school that often, or that he’s now paying a lot more attention in class or that Dan has a massive crush on his roommate. Many things can change when seasons pass, and days become darker and that kiss on his lips still lingers from two weeks before. 

It’s been driving him mad. Literally. So mad that when walking to cafeteria he hit his head straight against the glass door. Of course, with his luck everyone saw that accident, including his friends sitting at the table closest to the exit door. 

“Head in the clouds?” asked Maja, when Poppy gave him the knowing look. Dan shook his head and passed the table to get his sandwich when he heard Poppy say quietly:

“Oh what love can do to people...” 

That hurt, a lot. His heart sped up and a pink colour appeared on his cheek. Actually, he felt warm all over the place, mostly neck and shoulders and even the knees. He came back with a sandwich and an apple juice when the whole table focused on him, that’s pretty new. 

“Oh, here is our lover-boy!” Maja shouts and Dan quickly places a finger to her lips, not touching but she got the idea. 

“The whole school doesn’t need to know!” out of stress Dan darts his gaze to the place where Phil usually sits, and he indeed was there, luckily not paying any attention to their table instead sitting on the window sill with a group of people talking to him. Dan’s just doing it out of habit now. 

“She’s not from this school, is she?” Oscar asked, and at that Flo’s head sprung from the usual place on her folded arms, looking at Dan in alarm. No one asks her why she looked at him like that, so he also chooses not to. 

“Nope, h-she is from my home town... my neighborhood actually.” Dan can hear Flo snort from her seat before she lowers her head in her folded arms again. He makes a mental note to ask her what it all was about when they’re in private. 

“Cool, I do hope that we’ll meet her one day. How’s she like?” Maja asked in a soft tone and Dan guesses she’s into that kind of stuff. 

“Um... she’s cute, and funny. Cute and funny.” easy question, easy answer. At least that’s what he thinks. 

“Ugh of course, but what does she look like? Her hobbies? Weird quirks?” that’s a good time for a bag full of lies.

“So...she has blonde hair,”  
Phil has the darkest hair colour he saw, he probably dyes it.  
“Kind of small brown eyes,”  
Phil has the bluest and biggest eyes, they reminded him a lot of the ocean.  
“And she’s quite short.”  
Nope.  
“Oh, and she really likes horse riding.”  
Where did he even get that from?

“Oh, well, she sounds amazing then.” Poppy murmured and Dan almost burst out laughing. When he was a little kid he would lie a lot, but then his mother told him if he lied more his nose would grow the size of a carrot and people will hang their coats on it, so he gradually stopped that odd habit. But now, when the lying is reasonable it feels amazing to have a secret. One that he and only he knows. 

The rest of the break they spend talking about all different topics, along with one quite interesting to Dan. A Winter Concert, organised by the school for parents on the last day of school before winter break. It’s another big thing dan found unique for a school like that, like their Halloween parties and bonfires. Apparently those parties were a tool to take some baggage of students back before exams, but concerts were actual exams. The rehearsals start next week and only Maja is excited today. Well, she’s probably the best French horn player at school, receiving massive amount of prises beside school. Dan wouldn’t know, he never played at a concert. He did attend few with his parents, a concert of some local musician his parents were really into. 

The bell rang before any other topics could be made. Dan and the group quickly rushed out to the school building before they got crushed by other students, and Dan had his chemistry class that he didn’t like one bit.

-

On Tuesday Phil still wouldn’t talk to him, but it didn’t really bother him that much now. He’s hid in the darkness of the storage room late in the evening in front of the piano while reversing the same song over and over again. It hit him that he didn’t really improve over this past month when Ms.Owen stopped him in his tracks their last Orchestra class. “Can I ask you something, Daniel?” she inquired in a tone that wasn’t familiar for Dan but it sure send out shivers down his spine. 

“Yes, miss.” Dan answered in his stool next to a shiny piano.

“So, I’ve been thinking about it for some time and I think you’re ready for a solo at the Winter Concert. I would want you to play Chopin’s Nocturne in Eb Major, you know his most famous piece. You’re not a fast player, your fingers are definitely not trained enough for that but you have a mind for music and that is a talent.” Ms.Owen continued, walking back and forth between two walls of the class. Dan could feel a lump in his throat. 

“B-but why me?” he stuttered out. 

“Oh dear me don’t you have ears ? Half of these kids have no idea about music. Their pretentious, rich parents send them over to then show them off like some musical virtuosos but in actuality they don’t know what they are doing here! Do you really think that your two piano friends, Richard and this other kid are even a little bit more interested in the music than those golden watches on their wrists?” 

Ms.Owen was right there. The first trimester is almost over and most of the time the kids in his class can’t catch their rhythm. So he agreed, because what else would he say when anxiety was taking a hold of him? Now he’s hid under the grounds of the school all on his own playing the Chopin piece more than the composing ever did in his life (well, that’s a lie but you get the idea, it was a lot). The song didn’t really sound any good when he played it. He could say it was the dumb acoustic of the room or just his lack of energy but in reality he wasn’t confident enough to play the entire piece of a polish composer by himself in front of all those parents. 

Suddenly something stopped him. He heard footsteps down the stars as always, mind told him it was the cleaning lady telling him to go the fuck to sleep but heart told him it was Phil who maybe wanted to kiss him again. It was neither of them, Dan found out when the creaky door opened revealing a sleepy teenager with bags around her eyes.

“I knew I would find you here.” she whispered in a croaky voice. Her voice was something different for a girl. It was deep and croaky, like a teenage boy going through puberty. It was rarely used, maybe that’s that. 

Dan hummed, “Why would you want to find me?” he continued, looking in her direction. She shrugged, taking long strands to other stool where Phil sometimes sits and placed it next to Dan’s. 

“Hey, I play here too, sometimes.” Dan watched as her fingers with black nail polish on walked down the road from Do to Si.

“Really?” he tried not to sound upset, but he really wanted this place to be just for him. 

“Well, I used to play here. Then the school’s principal found me sleeping here and I was kind of banned from using it.” she admitted quietly and Dan couldn’t believe all of it, but he responded like he did anyway.

“I like this place.” 

Then Florence started playing a tune, to which Dan decided to help her. Chopin was long forgotten when the familiar melody of No Surprises by RadioHead echoed through the basement room. Their fingers worked softly and correctly as Flo concentrated on the top of the piano and Dan at the bottom. He might say that it really refreshed his mind. Even though classical music was mostly what he liked, songs like this were much nicer to the ear than Tchaikovsky or Beethoven. 

“You know Radiohead?” asked Flo at the very end, and just before Dan ended. He nodded with a bright smile on his face. 

“My dad had their some of their plates. Once I picked it up and I think I listened to it twice.” Flo had a big toothy smile on her face, as she started playing another song that Dan couldn’t pick up on. 

They played for half an hour, without much of conversation in between. Dan discovered that he liked spending time with Flo, even though he would rather focus his time on rehearsing for the Winter Concert. He hasn’t told anybody about it yet, but now he’s sure the first person to know might even be Flo. 

When they were quietly walking through the long hallways to reach the exit door, Flo nudged Dan on the shoulder to say something. “There is no girl, is there?” 

“What?” Dan asked, his head just waking from the daydream he had. 

“You’re not in love with girl are you, Dan.” 

“No, I-I-I...”

“You never were a mysterious guy. I definitely noticed your sneak glances at Phil Lester.” 

“Look-”

“No, no i’m not going to tell anyone.” she smirked behind her words, cutting him off yet again.

“Thank you. It’s just, very hard because-” Dan wanted to continue, he really did. But considering she’s a person he’s still not sure if he can trust he left the second part to himself. She can say that she won’t tell anyone, but if she is a good liar then his life at this school can just completely go to waste. So maybe it’s better not to mention the kiss and the night walks and all of it, because he’s not sure if this information won’t be passed around. 

-

In the quiet of the night they returned to their rooms. Dan couldn’t sleep, he yet imagined constellation carved into his roommate back. It wasn’t exposed as usual, due the cold weather, but his sleep shirt rose up from turning in his sleep to reveal just a crook of the small of his back and a few freckles there. He has no right to look at his roommate like that but once he peaked he couldn’t stop himself. He wanted to explore the entirety of Phil’s body. He wanted to memorise all the little freckles and connect them together to form constellations. He wanted to draw a moon around his navel and just look at him for eternity. He also wanted to feel which places Phil was the warmest and the coldest, the softest and the most rough. He wanted to kiss his neck, ruffle his hair and just hold him and whisper words of safety in his ear. But, unfortunately it’s something he could only daydream about. Because there’s a space of two steps between their beds, and Dan had no courage to walk those two easy steps. Those steps were Mount Everest and he was a small, scared and blind mouse looking for it’s way to the other side. 

-

On Friday Dan would prefer to not be in a boarding school right now. As lazy as he could he turned to the other side and against his luck he forgot how small the dorm room’s beds actually were. In one swift moment his back collapsed onto the wooden floor, and if it wasn’t for Phil’s clothes scattered all over it he would’ve had a hard landing. Instead only a sharp pain spiked through his skull as it hit the bedside cabinet. He let out a hiss, followed by a pained moan but it’s all it took for Phil to hear him from the bathroom. 

“Shit, you’re alright?” asked Phil from the other side of the bathroom, before quickly walking over Dan and kneeling beside him. 

Dan must’ve hit his head very, very badly because all he said was: “Let’s just not go to school today.” He received a confused look from Phil, which made him go all red.

“Where do you want to go?” Dan wasn’t sure if he was serious at this point. He knows that Phil would definitely be up for something crazy like that, but he also knows that Phil is a king of sarcasm. 

“I’m serious Phil, I’m really not looking forward to school today.” Dan said, trying to look anywhere but his roommate’s big blue eyes and smell anything but his mint-cool breath. Phil was definitely too close to him, but he couldn’t say anything about it. 

“Touché, I was just asking where you wanted to go?” 

He scoffed, still unsure if it was a part of his joke or not. “ I thought you know this area from the back of your hand?” 

“Oh, so you’re dragging me into this with you now?” Phil asked in a jokingly tone but it still made Dan prompt up on his hand so they were at the eye level and start explaining himself. 

“No, no! I assumed you wanted to go with me as we always go places together but if you don’t want to go anywhere it’s perfectly fine! You know what, it was a stupid idea actually and we will be too late for school.” he was immediately cut off by Phil’s laugh. 

“Let’s meet at the toilets downstairs after first period, then let’s see how it goes.” 

So, it was set. Dan ignored how stressful he felt about breaking the rules of school and instead hurried to the bathroom to get ready for today. When Phil finally left the dorm room and Dan was by himself in the bathroom he exploded in series of those little giggles, walking around the super small room grinning and all because finally. Finally Phil is talking to him and they are going back to their little adventures that they used to have and that made him unbelievably happy and scared at the same time. 

\- 

The anxious tapping of a pencil on the desk made all of the students around Dan incredibly irritated probably but he couldn’t help it. The clock in front of the classroom read twenty-five past ten. Fifteen minutes till breakfast but also five minutes till Dan’s little escape. If only the beat of Dan’s heart could equal to the minutes that pass, these five minutes wouldn’t last so damn long. Well, he could’ve ask the teacher to go to the restroom right now but he doesn’t want to risk getting caught by waiting five more minutes for Phil.

That made him think, will Phil even be there? Will his high hopes go to waste and will it all be a stupid joke to Phil? Maybe it was a joke from the beginning. His teasing behaviour: the late night walks, the occasional smiles and of course the legendary kiss. It would make sense actually. Phil never seemed interested or gay or even liking him before the kiss and even if he was it would’ve be obvious. And if it wasn’t all just a joke? What if a happy ending is out there for Dan where he finds himself making out with the dark and mysterious somewhere in the middle of a forest, now in the light of day. 

After a moment Dan mentally slapped himself, he can’t just assume things or get his hopes high. He can’t give in on the ‘teenage hormones’ or whatever his mother called it. Giving in on that was the number one reason she wouldn’t let Dan go to a public school and make him filthy. God, what was he thinking? At night when he watches Phil sleep and count the time he let out breath, and count the freckles on his back? It’s so wrong... yet... so right.

Finally, half eleven. Should he raise his hand or not? Should he give in or not? Why is it so difficult to make decisions all out of sudden? He remembers clearly knowing how to pick between strawberry ice cream or chocolate ice cream, stay in home or go on a walk, continue homeschooling or go to a boarding school... and now the choice is impossible. 

“Sir, can I go to the bathroom?” he unsurprisingly asks. 

“Can you?” the teacher unsurprisingly answers.

“May I then?” Dan continues, hand still high in the air, even though he already caught the teacher’s attention. It’s one thing that he uncontrollably does and Phil picks him on that. 

“Sure.” he sighed. Luckily for Dan the teachers turns to the blackboard and doesn’t see Dan packing his things and taking the bag. He probably will by the end of the lesson, or he won’t, not Dan’s concern right now as he’s speed walking towards the stairs down the corridor.

When he makes his way down the stairs he trips about two times, but he makes it. When he opens the door of the boy’s toilet’s it smashes onto the wall, actually making him curse. “Shit!’ ripples through his mouth like an echo and god does it feel good, as most of the time he just curses in his head. Then he closes the door, very gently this time and walks further into the small space of their school’s toilets. For a room that majorly boy’s come to, it’s kept quite clean. None makes an effort to write something dirty on the walls or throw a pulp of toilet paper mixed with water to the ceiling for it to stick there forever. Dan notices all those things there, but no person. He sees no one and he panics, as his concerns may also be true today. 

It was supposed to be different. He wasn’t supposed to be alone at that. Out of simple disappointment he walked to the wall and sank to the ground, with palms of his hands pressed to his eyes. 

“It was a joke, wasn’t it?” he tells himself, unaware of someone else listening. 

“Well, I was really looking out for jumping out of the cubicle and scaring you, but we can also sit in a ball and cry for a few.” Dan’s head suddenly shot up, to see Phil walking from the stall with that stupid smile of his. he knew it, he absolutely knew it!

“Just shut up, please!” 

Phil didn’t expect a bone crushing hug coming from Dan, but he didn’t expect it either. Neither of them expected it to last about two minutes until they finally untangled their limbs from each other, awkwardly laughed and got on their way outside the school where their destination was waiting. Well, destination in a form of wherever Phil was taking him but it could even be an old, haunted graveyard and Dan wouldn’t really mind.

-

“ Are we there yet?” Dan asked Phil annoyedly, who was currently walking five steps ahead with his nose up to the sky. 

“ I’m not going to tell you and you know that!” Phil remarked smugly, swiping the branches of the tall birch trees. 

“ But why?” Dan overreacted.

“ I just can’t be bothered” Phil answered flatly. 

“ Right, sorry then, let’s go further.” he mumbled out as walked a few more steps ahead until Dan could actually see something more than the endless birch trees, a large meadow with a hunter tower near. The grass was greener than he ever saw, but also quite high as it was handled under the hands of pure nature. They didn’t even have boots, so their uniform pants were wet and covered in mud. Luckily it was the end of the week and they wouldn’t be wearing this to school the next day. 

“ I heard this school was in the middle of nowhere, but I had no idea that it was that far away from civilisation.” Dan commented to which Phil chuckled. 

“ That’s the good thing though! I lived in a busy town for my entire life, so it’s nice to be nowhere every now and then.” he said and to Dan it finally sounded like he was himself. A normal Phil, not the one that continues to avoid him, or the one that finds some way to be sarcastic all the time. 

They walked like that, in silence, across the meadow until they reached the tower. “I’m not going there.” was the first thing Dan said. Phil dramatically turned around so they almost chest-bumped each other.

“ So you mean, we walked so long, almost across the entire forest and through this muddy meadow so you could decide not to go up a fucking ladder?” Dan had fear in his eyes now but yet deep down he knew Phil was joking. He decided to play the game.

“ I had no idea where you taking me! You could’ve said so in the first place.” 

“ Oh of course, it is my fault! You should be so generous that I agreed to leave the school with you!” Phil argued back, his eyebrows creasing.

“ I didn’t even ask you, you kind of invited yourself in.” 

That seemed to shut him up, as he turned back to the wooden stairs before climbing it. Once he was at the top he disappeared into the tiny hut without a word. Dan knew he will be sitting there for hours just to prove his point, two stubborn minds think alike. He couldn’t believe he was doing this. Very carefully, almost in slow-motion, he climbed the ladder up. It was wobbly and shaky as heck, and yet he just did it, soon he discovered it was worth it. 

The view was amazing. One overlooked the end of the forest and the small village behind it, with a church and from the other Dan could see the school and little spots he went to with Phil. The hills where the bonfire happened, their usual spot on the field with the sheep and the back of the school with football fields. Dan would love to own a camera of some sort so that he could remember it forever. It was hundred times better than the view from his rooftop. 

Phil smirked when he saw Dan’s starstruck face looking out the opening. He sat against one of the wooden walls and looked out on the view as well. he used to come here every time the school was a pain in the ass, but soon he forgot about this place and was too lazy to walk this long. “Told you it was worth it.” Phil stated pridefully that he could prove his point and make Dan a little bit happier than he was back in their room.

“Yeah, sorry that I lashed out like that. It’s just not my day today.” he apologised, looking down on the floor. Phil thin his lips and shrugged, it didn’t hurt him one bit but he understand what Dan meant.

“Sure, I don’t mind.” he said. When the silence washed over them, and Dan couldn’t take it anymore. He and Phil almost didn’t say a word to each other, to now sit in some hut all by themselves in silence. It was Phil’s fault that now his heart is racing every time he sees Phil. It’s his fault that Dan has to lie to his friends and it’s his fault that Dan was breaking down inside every time Phil ignored him. And now, he has the balls to sit there next to Dan in a complete silence as he didn’t have anything to say after what happened those two weeks ago. As he sat there on the other side of Phil, realizing all those thing’s his facial expression changed from awkward to confused to angry and Phil ignored him again, it was just so unfair. 

“Why did you kiss me?” he faintly asked, whispering to his own hands that he was looking at for a few good minutes right now. 

“What?” Phil turned his gaze from the view to look at Dan, which was a mistake.

“That day in the storage room, you kissed me and then I left. Why did you kiss me?” 

Phil didn’t have any words for that. Why would he kiss Dan Howell? 

“Look, I’m sorry for that. It was the spur of the moment, I really felt like it.” he calmly claimed, like he was asked how his day has been. 

“Would you do that again?” Dan blurted out, not quite knowing what he was saying.

“Like now?”

“Yes.”

Dan doesn’t need a camera to memorise what was happening in front of his eyes. suddenly Phil stood to his feet, his back bend slightly just because the ceiling was to low for him to stand straight. He walked two steps to reach Dan, and then kneeled right there, so that their knees were touching. Dan’s gaze switched from Phil’s eyes to the pair of his pink, soft lips and that’s when his heart started beating in his chest. Phil’s hands guided his, taking them in his own and placing them on his waist, before he took the hold of Dan’s chin and fixed his head up. In a matter of seconds Dan felt Phil’s lips on his, and a firework exploded, leaving little shivers all over his body. Their lips barely parted, and Dan didn’t really one how to kiss but as expected Phil guided his way once again. 

Everything that happened next was a blur. Dan lost count of how many times their lips met each other and to be honest he didn’t really care in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh it's been so long and I'm sorry, I didn't have my computer on vacation and I just can't write on my phone. So how was your vacation?? Good?? mine was so bad, I'm very disappointed but yea whatever... bye bye hope you liked it !! Ps. big thank you for my beta !!!


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